Bikini partner

Bikini Sensation Kate Upton Rocks The World. Who's the voluptuous supermodel that's the buzz of the swimsuit world? Meet Kate Upton, whose abundant charms and adorable personality have been ... Terry Bradshaw, 4-time Super Bowl champion with the Pittsburgh Steelers, brings his wife Tammy and their three gorgeous daughters on Celebrity Family Feud. Terrys daughters, Erin and Rachel, are ... Bikini Cleanse is a beauty and wellness company started by Los Angeles fashion Stylist Nicole Pollard. Bikini Cleanse utilizes the finest ingredients to create aline of products that are easy to use, portable for your busy lifestyle, and most importantly, effective. Learn all about Mehreen Baig Partner, Age, Bikini, Net Worth, Instagram. Mehreen Baig is a Television Presenter at BBC's The Truth About Cosmetics, 10 facts. Megyn Kelly celebrated Easter under the sun this year.. While enjoying a vacation in the Bahamas with husband Doug Brunt and their three kids, Kelly was all smiles as she was spotted paddle ... Bikini.com asked gorgeous Bikini.com All Star Sarah Barrett to show us her favorite bikinis. From bright colors to candy-cane striped bikinis, see why this adorable swimsuit model's bikinis bring ... The “Taste The Nation” star posed by the ocean in a colorful bikini in one photo, and showed off her rock-hard abs in a blue swimsuit in another photo with her partner Adam Dell and their 10 ... She beat 600 applicants to become the Presenter at kids’ news programs affiliated with the Nine Network. Ginny Buckley, the Brtish media personality commenced working on BBC local radio in Manchester at the young age of twelve. She is the familiar face, who hosted the iconic BBC kid’s program, Multi-Coloured Swap Shop.Buckley commuted to Sydney to work in the top-rated show Club Veg, and ... Kate Harding July 13, 2014 4:00AM (UTC) This piece originally appeared on DAME.. Over the last week, nearly every time I’ve checked Facebook, I’ve seen the same picture of a woman in a bikini. 14 Male Celebrities Who Dared To Bare Their Bikini Bottoms. Itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny bikinis are not just for women. Before starlets were baring all at the beach, male celebrities owned the waves with their mankini bottoms. From Paul McCartney to Ronald Reagan, these vintage studs were the pioneers of summer eye candy. ...

Monster Musume: Everyday Life with Monster Girls

2014.08.05 22:30 Monster Musume: Everyday Life with Monster Girls

All about the popular manga and anime series: Monster Musume: Everyday Life with Monster Girls!
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2014.07.15 22:04 ReggaeSmooth Imaginary Wars

What are the silliest battles you can think of? We got it. in this subreddit, you don't have swords, fireballs, guns, or crude language; you have your imagination. Well, you *can* imagine you had that stuff, but keep the crude language to yourself.
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2020.09.20 03:22 JagdKitty TEARS OF A VAMP Chapters One And Two

(((((Just an idea for a new book so I thought I'd get feed back on how the beginning might be improved and if you think you want more...)))))
Chapter One
It was a dark and stormy night... Sorry, I know it's pretty cheesy but I've always wanted to begin a story like that. Over the years I've written many stories. Some for fun, others for money or fame. Sometimes for all three. But never have I written my story. So as cheesy as it may be, my opening is perfectly correct. It was a dark and stormy night that my story begins...
Early 21st Century... Lexington, Kentucky
My supper was finished. I was nursing my cola, wondering if I should just make a run for my house. Rain poured down and lightning flashed outside the large panes of glass which formed the entire wall between the wet outside and the cozy inside of the small, family friendly restaurant. A late evening thunderstorm wasn't unexpected in August. The heat and humidity would build throughout the day. Thunder clouds would build higher and higher in the sky and then all hell would let loose as the temperature dropped with the setting sun.
No one was waiting for my table so I didn't feel guilty keeping the table to myself. It wasn't like I was denying my waitress another customer and tip. Many tables were occupied but some were still open for new customers. But a new customer hadn't walked in since the rain had started. Between the heavy cloud cover and the lateness of the hour, it was pitch black outside. Strobes of lightning would light the street as bright as day before darkness reclaimed the streets. The last of my cola slurped up my straw and I was just reaching for my wallet when she appeared.
My first sight of Tiffany was as a form under the streetlight on the corner as she dashed across the street for the door of the restaurant. Splashing in the puddles she was as wet as any woman could be and looked as mad as any cat tossed into a pool. My cousin had done that once with the family cat. Tiffany looked just as mad as that cat had looked after dragging her wet fur out of that pool, only without the hissing and barred teeth.
She shook herself like a cat, too, as she stood in the entrance. That took my mind off the family cat since her t-shirt was plastered to a very nice, very wet chest sans bra. Sizing up the place, she walked to the table next to mine and plopped herself in a chair. Grabbing a wad of napkins, she began wiping her pretty face. The contrast between her pale skin and bright blue eyes to her jet black, shoulder length hair was striking.
"Look all you want, you perv." The sarcastic tone brought me hastily back from my appreciation of her striking... Umm, beauty. I hastily raised my gaze to her face.
"Ahh, sorry..." I began but she cut me off with a hand wave. She shrugged and her voice had less sarcasm and much more humor as she cut me some slack. "I don't care. My boobs have been seen before. By a lot more people at once than are in here. I hit Mardi Gras every year I can. I get lots of beads," She said with a smile. Picking at the wet material of her shirt she pulled it away from her skin and let it drop. It went back to outlining every curve she had including two, very hard nipples.
She shrugged again in resignation, "At least I'm wearing a shirt." Grabbing another handful of napkins she wiped at her arms and hands again. Moving quickly, she invited herself to my table and sat across from me. "Sorry to drop in unannounced. I usually have better manners but that damned rain! I'm Tiffany," she said, thrusting a still slightly damp hand across the table.
"I'm Daniel," I completed the intro and shook her hand. "Ahh, would you like something to eat," I asked as my waitress approached.
"I could do with a bite. But not here. I was just headed for the club down the street when this," Tiffany waved a disgusted hand at the rain, "appeared out'a nowhere." Tiffany gave me an appraising look, "I've got a pretty good idea of what I want to eat later."
"I didn't know they served food at the club."
Tiffany laughed at nothing I could see. Since Darlene was at the table anyway, I paid for my food and added a good tip. I ate here often and knew all the wait staff.
Tiffany sighed and picked at her wet shirt again. "Screw it. No clubbing for me tonight. The apartment I stayed at today doesn't have a clothes dryer."
"My house is just down the street and I have a clothes dryer. I'm really not a perv," I hastily added. "I'm just offering dry clothes. I've got a robe you can wear while your clothes dry. I just don't want to go home and think about you sitting here cold and wet and maybe getting sick or something without at least offering."
"Why, aren't you the Southern gentleman. I'd like that if you won't mind a house guest for a few hours. Wet clothes just suck."
My house was only a block and a half away but it was raining so hard my clothes were as soaked as Tiffany's by the time we ran up my driveway to the side door leading to the garage and laundry room. There were towels in the dryer that I hadn't folded yet. We used them to towel off our faces and arms. I told Tiffany to wait and I'd get her a robe.
"Fuck that," Tiffany said taking hold of the hem of her shirt and stripping it over her head. Tossing it into the dryer she grinned, "Don't look so shocked. I've already given you a wet t-shirt show." She toed off her sneakers and while I stood there her jeans, socks and finally her panties went into the dryer. "Your turn."
I was in shock. It had been a while since I'd seen a naked woman. I'm not gay, I just haven't had much time to date while in grad school. Women taking their clothes off in front of me was unusual. Women as beautiful as Tiffany taking her clothes off in front of me was incredibly rare. As in never before. In bare feet she was maybe 5'9". Breasts just on the large size for her slender frame. Perfect hourglass figure. Her skin was pale without bikini lines. "Hey! Your turn. Get those wet clothes off. I don't want you to get sick either."
I hesitated. I wasn't in nearly as good a shape as Tiffany. I've been 40 to 50 pounds past my recommended weight for my height of 5'10" since high school. I almost always wear a t-shirt at a pool and not because I sunburn. Tiffany finally gave up on my moving and began unbuttoning my shirt. I came out of my daze enough to begin helping and soon she was stripping my briefs off. I had the expected anatomical response any heterosexual male would have in the presence of a beautiful, naked woman. It was impossible to hide since it was at eye level to Tiffany as she knelt to strip my briefs down far enough for me to step out of.
Tossing my clothes into the dryer she turned the dial and started the dry cycle. Taking the initiative again, Tiffany wrapped her arms around me and went up on her toes for a kiss. She began pushing me towards the door that led into the house.
"Wait. Wait, wait... The clothes need a fabric softener sheet," I managed to break lip contact long enough to gasp out.
"You gotta be kidding me, right?" Tiffany's eyes were wide and though her body was still pressed to mine she drew back and asked in disbelief. "A naked woman is literally throwing herself against you, offering a night of wild sex and you're thinking of laundry?"
"I guess not," I said and let myself be kissed and pushed to sit on the den couch which was as far as we made it.
The rest of the night was a haze. I remember Tiffany straddling my lap and lowering herself around me while nuzzling and sucking on my neck which was extremely pleasurable. I was embarrassed as I finished almost as soon as she lowered herself completely onto me while still trying to give me a hickey. I know I hadn't had sex for a while but, damn! I should have had better control than that but her mouth on my neck felt so damned good. Just as good as what was she was doing to my groin.
Tiffany didn't seem disappointed at my lack of control. She just grinned, gave me a long, wet kiss that had a tinge of a taste that reminded me of... Something I was struggling to recall even as her hips began to move again and her mouth went back to my neck.
What happened after that was what began to blur. Tiffany's mouth left my neck and my thoughts were all a jumbled haze as she continued moving her hips slowly over my lap. In this position her breasts were moving close to my face and I pulled her close enough to capture a nipple. I was sucking hard on her breast when she suddenly gasped and pulled back to sit up straight. Her hand raised the breast I'd been sucking on so she could get a good look at the small cut, a shallow scrape really, on her skin.
"Damn it, damn it, dammit," she yelled climbing off me. Pacing the room, she stopped to look at her breast again. Raising clenched fists she yelled, "FUUUUCCCCKKKKKK!!!"
My head swam when I tried to stand up to try and calm her down. I couldn’t seem to make my legs and arms work together and sat back down with a whoomph onto the couch. It was just a tiny, barely red scratch. I couldn't understand why my speech was slurred, I'd only had a soft drink with my meal, as I tried to explain. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I chipped a tooth last week on a walnut shell and I guess it cut you. It's not that much real..."
Tiffany interrupted me to yell, "You don't understand, you idiot! I've already fed from you. Once your blood mixes with mine, if you take even a little back you're gonna Turn! Fuck this shit," she muttered and began to pace again. Stopping in mid-stride, she seemed to have made up her mind about something. "This is your house, right? No one else lives here," she asked. "No relatives dropping by?"
"Yea, I live here alone. My relatives live in Eastern Kentucky. They never drop by without calling. What do you mean by Turn? Look, I'm sorry my tooth cut you but..."
"Just shut up. Just shut the fuck up. Don't make this harder for me."
"Make what harder?" Man, I was really woozy. I was having trouble just sitting up straight.
"I have to kill you, you big, stupid human," Tiffany yelled. With a jump that covered an impossible distance, she landed on me and drove me back into the couch cushions. This time when her mouth went to my neck there was nothing sensual about it. It hurt like hell when she bite down and then all the pain vanished in a wash of euphoria. I was twice her body weight yet I couldn't break the hold of her arms and legs around me to push her away. I felt my skin tear and, God help me, I came against her stomach and mine as the pleasure I was feeling doubled and then doubled again. Still she bit deeper. I heard a sucking sound under my ear and then I heard and felt nothing at all.
Chapter II
My next memories are all a jumble. I would swim up from a deep sleep when Tiffany came near. She'd whimper as she'd open her own wrist with her teeth. The smell of blood would rouse me more and I'd drink as much as I could of her thick, rich blood for as long as she offered her wrist."I'll have more for you soon," she'd whisper as I'd fall back into my dreamless sleep.I had no idea how many times this scene was repeated until one time her wrist wasn't enough. I wanted more and her amazing strength was no match for mine as I pulled her down and bit hard on her neck. Her cry wasn't one of pain, however. The harder I bit the more her cries sounded like the cries of a woman having an orgasm.I drained Tiffany of every drop of blood I could coax from the tear in her throat before pushing her away. She dropped, drained of blood and strength to the floor beside the bed. Hearing her moans of orgasm, I went back to my dreamless sleep.There was one feeding I remember more than any other. I have no memory of when it occurred in my schedule of feedings but Tiffany smelled differently that time. More alive. Every mouthful from her wrist was intoxicating. When the flow from her wrist began to slow it was her who offered me her neck. When I bit this time her cries were again of pleasure. Orgasmic cries as the smell of her sex filled the room. She didn't try to pull away no matter how much pain I had to be causing her until the flow from her torn throat ceased. Her blood will make you strong, I heard as I drifted back to sleep. I think I dreamed.***************************"How bad is it," I asked Carla Bannon, the detective who'd gotten the call."Female, late sixties," Carla began giving me a concise review of what she'd discovered so far. "Ida Knowles from her ID we found in a purse stuffed under the driver's seat. Put in the trunk perhaps two days ago. She hasn't been reported as missing. Found four hours ago by the Kroger manager. He says the car has been sitting here for two days. Said he was going to look for ID so he could call the owner before he had the car towed. Two days in this heat? When he got a whiff of what was in the trunk he called us. Uniforms came, popped the trunk and called it in. I got the call about two hours ago. I got here a little after the call. Crime techs after me."Carla lowered her voice and added, "Lieutenant, her throat was torn out.""Dogs?""God, I wish! But," Carla looked around to be sure no one was within hearing. My former partner was always careful not to seem too chummy in front of others since my promotion. "Of course we'll have to wait for the coroner's official report but, Ben, the crime scene tech swears it wasn't dogs. Her throat wasn't cut with anything sharp either. Says there's no teeth marks or cuts. He says it's like someone just yanked her throat out. Tore out a large chunk of flesh. And that chunk ain't here. I told him to keep his mouth shut to everyone but me and called you as soon as I could." Detective Bannon looked around again to be sure we were out of earshot. "Ben, this could be a real mess if that tech is right. No one wants a psycho running around who rips out throats.""The tech any good?""Twelve years on the job. I've worked with him before. Hell, we've both worked with him when we were partners before you took the promotion. He's very good. I wouldn't have called you out on a Sunday if he was a rookie.""Lieutenant Haskell? Detective? Got something you need to know," a tech called out and walked towards us. I remembered working with him. He was good. Good enough and experienced enough to know he stank of death and to stand downwind."Two things, really. First, there's no blood in the body or in the trunk. There's barely enough blood left in the body for it to pool and form post mortem bruising. I can't find the blood! Only a few drops on the floor of the trunk. There's been no rain in the last few days to wash away blood from the asphalt. There's a few small drops on the asphalt from the driver's door to the trunk. She either wasn't killed here or someone held a bucket for her to bleed into.""I'll get a couple of uniforms to start canvasing the grassy areas in the back of the store to make sure we didn't miss a blood pool under the tall grass," Carla said and left.The tech reached into his overalls and pulled out a sheet of paper and an evidence bag. "Second, her address from her ID and her keys from the floor of the car. Keys are clean. No blood. I've already dusted and there's no usable prints. Her house is only a couple of blocks away. If you can't find her blood there I don't know where the hell it is."I took the paper and signed taking possession of the evidence bag containing the keys. "Carla, you keep working here. I'll take a uniform and check out the house," I called out and got a thumbs up in acknowledgment.The uniform followed me and we parked on the street. There was a Chevy Nova parked on the street in front of the address. The front door was open, screen door closed. It was a small sized, two story on a street where old oaks shaded the street and lawns and all the houses had a tired, long lived in air. Stepping onto the porch I could hear someone inside. Through the screen I could see a living room/den and part of a kitchen and hallway. The screen door made a small sound when I tested if it was unlocked."Grams? Is that you? Where have you been? You haven't even started our dinner.""Police, ma'am."A young woman came into view walking towards me from the kitchen. Caucasian, early twenties, 5' 4", slender build, pretty in a girl-next-door way. Shoulder length red hair and gray eyes."Miss, do you know a Ida Knowles?""Yes, she's my grandmother. Oh, God. Grams... Is she Ok?"This was the part of the job I hated most. "May we come in, Miss...""Olivia Knowles."She cried of course. But then wanted to know the how. "Please. I have to call my mom and family. They all live in Tennessee. I need to know something to tell them."I tried to give the bare minimum of details but she had a way of asking questions that drew more information from me than I'd meant to give. For some reason my gut was sending me a warning that something was strange here. Over the years I've come to trust my gut. "You haven't tried to contact your grandmother in the last two days?"A shake of her head. "I have an apartment out Winchester Road and a job. We don't always call each other every day. Every Sunday we try to... I mean we used to, have dinner. Go over our week. Make any plans we might have for the week coming up. That kind'a thing. When I came over today the front door was open and her car was gone. I just thought she'd gone to the store for a few things.""So you haven't looked around the house?""No. Just used the bathroom and started chopping some vegetables in the kitchen while I waited. Why?""It's possible whoever killed your grandmother did it somewhere else and then drove her car to the parking lot. Would you mind if we looked around the house and backyard?"Ms. Knowles invited us to look anywhere we wanted. The uniform looked over the backyard and the small garage while I looked in every room and the basement. No signs of a struggle or of blood. Everything was neat and clean as if the owner had stepped out for a short trip to the supermarket. Which I was guessing she had. Leaving my card with instruction to call if Ms. Knowles thought of anything or saw anything out of the normal, we left. I left with a feeling that something just wasn't right. Out on the sidewalk I asked Officer Westbrook what he thought. Westbrook shrugged and then spoke aloud my thoughts." I don't know, Lieutenant, but damn! If someone just told me my grandmother had been killed by having her throat ripped out, I think I'd be having hysterics. But she... She just got calmer." I nodded. That had been my observation, too. Something about that young lady set my teeth on edge. I drove back to the crime scene to let Carla know what I'd found. I also wanted Carla to look more closely into Olivia Knowles.****************************A witch's hearing isn't as good as an elf's, but I could hear them talking on the sidewalk. They were both wrong. I wasn't calm. Not by any stretch of the imagination was I calm. I was in a murderous rage. Vampire! A fucking vampire! There was absolutely no doubt in my mind who, or rather what, had killed my Grams. I had phone calls to make but first I had to carry out Gram's instructions. She'd drilled her instructions into me every day when I'd first moved in with her five years ago. If something happens the first thing you do is make sure the house is safe! A waited until the police cars disappeared from view before going to the basement. Tripping the concealed latch that my grandfather had installed sixty years ago, a section of shelves that lined one wall popped open an inch. I pushed the door all the way open. No one but me and Grams even knew that her half-basement had once been a full basement. Gesturing at a candle I lit it with a small cantrip. I wasn't a very good witch but I could do simple cantrips. Next, I stripped off my clothes and shoes. No metals of any kind except gold, silver or platinum were to enter the next room. Ever! Not even the tiny amount in my underwire bra. Since I was alone I didn't bother with a robe. A steep staircase led to another concrete floor six feet lower than the one the police had just searched. All the furniture here -staircase, chairs, tables and bookcases- were made using wooden dowels instead of metal nails. Grandad had been a master craftsman when it came to working in wood since the 18th Century. Striding to the center of the circle etched into the concrete floor, I Reached and found all the house protection spells that were powered from the circle. The circle was 20 feet in diameter and cut three inches into the concrete of the floor. Poured gold filled that circle. Gold was a perfect superconductor for Vim. Silver and platinum could be used but over time Vim would leech away. A gold Power Circle would hold Vim indefinitely. The larger the circle, the more Vim. This was one of the largest circles in North America. By instinct I Reached out to the small Ley Line that Lexington was on top of and siphoned Vim into the circle. A few seconds would leech enough Vim to keep all the spells the circle maintained going for months. Reaching out again, I found the spells tuned to the circle and made then mine. As soon as they came under my control, a softly glowing, golden hemisphere appeared around me. Twenty feet in diameter, it filled the room, almost touching the ceiling and walls. Any metal other than gold inside this sphere might cause a feedback of the magical energy in the circle of gold. Think of the CERN supercollider going nuclear. Yea, that's the reason no metals were allowed in here. Grams had told me of the trouble Grandad had digging up the entire basement trying to find one lousy horseshoe nail when he'd been making this witch room. Grams had made me practice this many times and it was easy to Key the spells to me. If I ever wanted to pass this Power Circle on, I'd have to teach the Key to another. The protection spells on the house wouldn't turn away door-to-door salesmen but Supernaturals would be stopped and if a Supe did try to enter this house I'd know it no matter where I was. The last thing I did before leaving the workshop was to take two books from Grams' library. The first book was very small and contained a short list of the members of Gram's coven. They needed to be called and warned that a vampire was in the area. The second book contained everything Grams had learned about vampires. For the last century Grams had collected stories and knowledge on every topic in every witch's tome she could get her hands on. Lined up on the shelves in front of me was probably the best collection of magical knowledge in North America. I knew that in the first book was a learned discussion on whether Aardvark gall bladders were necessary for potions which caused nightmares. I'm not sure? But knowing I'd just swallowed ground up Aardvark gallbladders? That would sure as hell give me nightmares. I still had a phone call I couldn't put off any longer. It was as hard to tell my mom as I'd thought. She promised to drive up the next day to help with the funeral arrangements. I remembered to get the bottle of bourbon I'd hidden in the attic four years ago and my smokes before sitting down. Grams had always made me go out on the porch to smoke. I knew what was in Gram's will. This house was mine now and with my first cigarette I began to make it smell like mine. With darkness falling I was finally able to open the book to begin my education. There was a vamp in town that needed killing.
submitted by JagdKitty to stories [link] [comments]


2020.09.18 23:23 meowzer_624 Me [27 F] suffering from ptsd from previous relationship of 4+ years, needing advise on how to feel safe again & in my hometown.

So I was in a super abusive relationship from the time I was 17 in high school to junior year college. A little over 4 years. We are from the same small town, went to the same middle school and high school together. Some history of the abuse - while I was in high school and he had started his freshman year of college, we were long distance but I visited him on the weekends. He was cheating with another girl in the dorm, and everyone knew but no one told me. He started trying to isolate me from my friends by telling me they were dragging me down and I should be lucky he is dating me bc of them. Pushed me to move in the co-ed dorm with him my freshman year. He started monitoring my clothes, slut shaming me for the clothes I would wear, propositioned other women for 3-somes in front of me without asking my opinion. Grabbing my breasts in front of his friends to show off how far he'd gone with me. Did not allow me to have male friends or even talk to men or else I was untrustworthy. Would make me wear a top during intimacy because he said my breasts look disgusting. Would refuse to finish me in the bedroom because he just didn't want to. (I think he just didn't want me to have any pleasure). Would proposition other girls in the dorm during night hours when I was asleep. When I confronted him he would say, "You should thank me for not sleeping with other women because of how you look and I have every opportunity to do so." Would choke and slap me in the face as "play" but it wasn't play. He ran the board of directors in the dorm so there was no way I could break my lease, and he would make me sign my lease the same time as him. He would also have followers in the dorm like soldiers who were supposed to be his friends but he would talk to much crap about them behind their backs and I would stand up for them. We were long distance when he had an internship and I transferred to another college. He would disallow me to socialize because I am a woman so I could be violated, and he can socialize and network with his peers because he is a man and will not be violated. Also said if that ever did happen to me, he would dump me. He also threatened that if I ever left him he would track me down at my current college and violate me. Notice this creepy infatuation he has with this stuff. He never did drive to me in our time of being together because I was a waste of gas. So I always had to travel to him. I was also a waste of money so whenever we went anywhere that wasn't with his parents, I would be forced to pay for him. He also told me I was lucky to be with him because of how stupid I am and below him I am in class. So as you can see he was terrorizing me and trying to dehumanize me and make me feel that because I was a woman I have no value aside from bringing him pleasure and even my looks make me untrustworthy. I was just all the way wrong. He always had a way of speaking to people to acquire them as followers and turned whole dorms against a person if he was in a fight with them and he did not let things go, ever. He dumped me in my parent's driveway (the first time he had driven over) in his moms car so he wouldn't waste his gas. Disinvited me to his sister's wedding that was the next day, two days before Xmas, meanwhile texting another woman while I'm in the car. He then goes to continue texting me after dumping me and putting me through so much abuse and asks if I'm dating or seeing anyone because then I would be a whre and he was right about me all along. He turned his parents against me and all of his friends. Making fun of me because I started low key modeling and posted pictures of myself at the beach on FB just to try to muster some self confidence that he tried his hardest to diminish. But I was labeled an attention seeking whre for posting bikini pics of myself at the beach. A few of our mutual (guy) friends from the dorm reached out to me and said they were sorry because they all knew he had been cheating on me and because I'm such a nice sweet girl they felt bad for me and for them joining in making fun of me and slt-shaming me afterwards. I ran into one of these "friends" randomly and we had a talk about what all went on. He did apologize to me, and said he was still in contact with the ex. Two weeks later I see our mutual friend's post with my ex in it in the town where I am living now. That our mutual friend knows I'm living in now. This sparked so much ptsd in me I had a panic attack. I have healed within myself for the most part with valuing myself again and being with an amazing guy who loves, appreciates, thinks the world of me, and never puts me down - I am happily engaged now. But I do have episodes of panic attacks and nightmares from the things X has done to me. And when I saw that he was in my same town I was terrified he actually would track me down and do what he threatened to do years ago. Also we're from the same town so whenever I go home I am terrified of running into him or that he is somehow going to turn the whole town against me to think I am some slt from a poor home who hasn't gone anywhere in life because he wants everyone to think he is great and every woman he's been with to be dehumanized. But I have had very few partners, have a good job and am happy with my partner. And for you guys to know some details about me - I won the sweetest superlative in high school, I worked at a homeless shelter for a while to help people, and I share traditional values, I am a loyal person. I never did anything to deserve the abuse I went through - as X would beg to differ. He always thought if a woman was hit she must have done something to provoke it. He works at a major company now and is a higher-up, he had an amazing gpa in college. So I just have no leg to stand on. I did go through a long point of thinking I wasn't worth living because I am just a woman and bring no value to the world. Also did not want people to think bad of me because I haven't done anything bad or wrong. This has been years. He dumped me 2014 and our mutual friend brought him to the town I'm living in now last year. So I know this guy has not quit badmouthing me and trying to devalue me as a woman. Is there anything I can do to feel safe? I had thought about getting legal but it would be really expensive and dehumanizing women isn't really a thing he can be punished for. It also has been quite some time. A few weeks ago for some reason I started having nightmares again and I'm continuing to have panic attacks thinking about the abuse I went through and terrified to visit my parents in my hometown for fear of running into this guy. I have gone to therapy a few years ago for it and my fiance knows I suffer ptsd from this dude but I don't want to bring it up. I have no idea why this started happening again. I blocked all of our mutual friends bc I thought that would make me feel safe so there's no way he can keep tabs on me. But I still worry.
submitted by meowzer_624 to ptsd [link] [comments]


2020.09.16 15:28 ThrowRASnoopy1234 I (27M) looked at my partners (25F) friends (23F) instagram profile and now she wants to break up

First ever Reddit post so apologies if formatting is wrong.

Me and my partner have been together 5 years and we are at a point where we are seriously considering marriage. She started a new job around 6 months ago and she met a work friend. Let's name here Jessica.
Jessica is a semi-influencer person with quite a few followers and posts occasional pictures in a bikini that are maybe a little suggestive. I know this because my partner has shown me and asked for my thoughts on it. Of course, they are quite nice to look at and we had a joke at the time as she said, 'Do you fancy her???' and I played up to it a little bit. She and her have become better friends and she has occasionally visited and I have now met her.
I do not fancy her. I love my partner and our family. I think my partner is beautiful and I am even looking at rings but of course being male, curiosity takes over.

So when she is at work, I try to find the Jess' profile via my own instagram. It is private so I forget about it. A little later, my partners instagram is open on the computer. Again, curiosity takes over and I search her profile. I have a little look - its nothing spectacular and I click the 'X' on the tab.
THIS WAS MY CRUCIAL ERROR
By not going back to the home page, when my partner next goes to the site via the computer, her profile comes up. She knew - she confronted me about it and asked about how it had happened. I played dumb but she kept prying and I couldn't keep lying about it.

She blew up. She says I was being devious, that I must have masturbated over the photos, she says its knocked her confidence, its disrespectful and has even gone so far as to message the friend to say she cannot be friends with her. She is convinced I fancy Jess and cannot look at me the same.
I do understand what I was doing was probably stupid and it isn't great for me to be looking at her profile via her account but I feel like she is blowing things out of proportion. Shes basically said we are broken up, shes barely spoken to me unless its surrounding issues of care for our daughter.

From my perspective, I genuinely was not trying to initiate anything, I never liked a photo or have I messaged Jess. I was just curious to see the profile. I have never considered cheating but I know my partner is always suspecting because I was used to be quite promiscuous before meeting her. I can tell she always wants to know who I am messaging, see what I am looking at and although I have got used to it, I've always felt like she doesn't trust me. I would like to add that early in the relationship (6 months in), she did find messages to another girl but I was young and stupid and I never pursued it. I have never cheated on her and I our relationship is much more serious than it was then.
But I feel that all I did was look at a profile and now she seems to be considering our whole relationship.

I am just looking for a little perspective from neutral others (Male and Female perspectives appreciated). Should I feel more guilty because I (maybe wrongly) have basically laughed this off. I have agreed I am an idiot but I cannot comprehend how this has lead to our relationship being on the line. I work hard to put a roof over our head, I am a great Dad (I think) and although I am not the most affectionate partner, I feel like I do show my partner love and care.
All opinions welcome :)

TL:DR; I looked at an instagram profile and now my partner wants to break up with me
submitted by ThrowRASnoopy1234 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.15 15:18 LostRedditor666 Wife [40F] told me she doesn't love me [37M] anymore and seems not to care. What would you do?

Sorry there won't be a TLDR version as I can't even properly sum the whole thing up in my head.
This is a throwaway account, unless it proves useful here - then I'd keep it for further relationship advice stuff.
Bit of a background first:
We're together since 2002, married since 2008 and have now 3 kids (all under 10yo).
Up until now I would have described our relationship as good. Before the kids we lived a lot, had a good sex life, enjoyed everything, worked through everything together life threw at us.
We always kinda struggled financially but still managed. Now we have a bit of dept but make enough money to pay back the monthly rates yet still have a "normal" life with vacation, gifts for the kids, etc.
So all in all, we can't really complain.
Once we had kids, naturally we switched more or less to "parenting" mode. Sex frequency reduced, talking topics would have been mostly about the kids.
We got into a daily routine where we have to get up very early to get all the kids ready for school & kindergarten. Go to work all day, after work look after the kids until they are in bed and asleep. Which meant we only got our "private time" around 9pm-ish with both of us exhausted from the day. Most of the time too tired to get any more shit done and try to wind down before going to bed.
Anyway, it is just an exhausting phase in life for both of us.
We rarely have sex anymore, sometimes months on end. But inbetween we have some phases where we can have sex daily for a couple of days and can barely can leave the hands off each other, before we move into a long non-sex period again.
The worst was about 5 years ago. I can remember telling my wife on Dec 31st, that if we don't have sex that day it will have been a full year without sex. But not in a demanding way, more a statement of the fact.
So much for the past.
Now, about 4-6 weeks ago I started to notice, that she felt way more distant than what was "normal". I had the gut feeling that there is something wrong. I observed her spending all her free time on the phone, smiling into it with a smile she'd use when flirting with me. Then a couple of days later, when she gave me the usual goodnight-kiss - omg that was the "coldest" most emotionless kiss I have ever received. So I knew something definitly isn't right.
I did go through her phone afterwards as I got paranoid that she might have an affair, but did not find any evidence.
The next day, once the kids were in bed (otherwise we aren't able to talk) - I wanted to tell her that I wanna know what is going on. But before I got a chance to say anything, she said we needed to talk. That night she told me, that she appreciates me as a man and father - but she does not love me anymore in a way she should love a husband/partner. She also said, that she feels that this "routine" will be the same for the end of her life. That she always has to take care of everything during the day (she works half-time, I work full time).
We didn't argue, we talked civilized with each other. But it crushed me. I couldn't sort my thoughts and I had to leave for a long walk as I would have broken down in front of her.
She promised she is not seeing anyone else. It is just that she doesn't have feelings for me at all anymore. I am important to her, but there is no love anymore.
The following days I did not talk, eat or sleep. I tried to keep it together for the kids so they don't notice. I cried a lot but was always able to hide it.
I never felt so miserable in my life and she was just cold and emotionless. Which hurt even more. We went on vacation together for a week. We made sure the kids have a good time, but we didn't talk much. It did hurt a lot to see her seemingly not care at all. Being more attractive than ever in her bikini, seemingly enjoying herself while I am emotionally starving.
On the night came back home after the vacation, we had a long talk. I never opened up like that before, told her all my feelings about this. She said she is not sure whether this is just a "phase" or a "crisis" that will pass, or if it definitely over. We agreed to seek marriage counselling and try to talk and act normal with each other.
The next and following days was kind of alright. Until the day I had my weekly poker-night with my friends. Just before I left, she told me she was going out. But she did not tell me where, how long or with whom. The kids were staying at her mom's for the night.
So, during my poker-night I regularly checked her location (via the iOS Find My). We both use it quite a lot to see where the other one is, still at work, on the way home, etc. And I saw that she was at a restaurant until 10pm, then at some parking lot for about an hour and then at another parking lot for about half an hour.
When I came home she must have just arrived home as well and I asked where she had been. She said she was at the restaurant until now. I then told her that I saw her being there, but also being at two parking lots after the restaurant and begged her not to lie to me and come clean if there indeed is something she has been avoiding to tell me.
But she promised, that she was in the restaurant till the end and there was nothing else. Understandably upset, but she also understood why I got paranoid.
The next morning when I got up, she was already gone. I had no idea where. She did not leave a message and she had switched off the location sharing. I then texted her to ask where she was and when she's coming back. She then said she thought she was on cleaning duty in the school, but confused the dates (the cleaning was actually in the calendar for the next day) and that she'd be going to her mums to pick the kids up now.
All this again made me paranoid. Somehow all this seemed just too strange to me. So I did some phone calls so see if I could get some CCTV footage of the parking lots she supposedly didn't go to. But to no avail. So I still don't know whether she lied to me or told the truth. Part of me wants to believe her, part of me is just suspicious af at this stage.
2 days later we again had a longer talk about our situation and I told her everything I did (even trying to get the CCTV footage). That was the first time I found her to be a bit more emotional instead of cold and distant, and she apologized for not telling me with whom or where she went to that night.
She also told me, that she feels like a monster to have told me that she doesn't love me anymore, and that she feels like she is ruining everything by this. Our relationship, our families and friends.
Later in the night, I texted her (she was asleep already) that I haven't talked to anyone about our problems so far and that we can keep it that way until we know whether this will end in a divorce or whatever and that she is not a monster but a wonderful woman, and that I appreciate it that she told me the truth and I am aware that it must have taken a lot of courage to do so.
She never replied to this, neither by text message nor in person.
She seems to show no interest at all at what I am feeling, doing, where I am going, nothing. This is really frustrating.
I am aware that I am certainly not easy to be around at the moment. I am unable to eat, sleep or work.
We will be seeing a marriage counselor in a few days, but somehow my gut feeling is that she made up her mind already but doesn't want to admit it.
When I tell her that, the only thing she says is "do you think I wanna just throw away our 18 years relationship like that?"
I rather have the feeling, she doesn't want to be the one who ends it. The way she behaves, talks, and acts it feels like she is trying to get me to be the one who ends it.
But maybe I am just too depressed at the moment and think too negatively.
I would love to just pack my stuff and leave for 3-4 weeks to get a break from all this.
Her one and only concern seems to be the kids. Which is not a bad thing. We both have divorced parents and know what it means to have to through that.
Now I am hoping that the marriage counselor will help anything, if not I fear this marriage will end in a divorce.
I am sorry for this long and confusing post.
I just feel lost and "trapped" in my situation.
I don't know how to conquer my days or how to behave around her.
What would you do?
Opinions?
submitted by LostRedditor666 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.13 09:41 shostakofish A low waste retrospective of the year as told by an aggressively average but well meaning actual non-lifestyle blogger normal person.

Ok, I love lifestyle bloggers but to be honest I can never really trust their reviews of things because there's just no way I can be that motivated, consistent, organized, or self-sacrificing. But oh lordy do I try.
Here's some of the "zero waste"/ "buy it for life" / "Environmental" things and hacks I've tried and how they compare to the normal products I would have used. 5/5 is going to be exactly as good as a normal product.
A disclaimer- I am a young, able bodied adult woman with no kids, no allergies, and non-sensitive skin. I'm also going to be referring to products very generically, because many I bought locally but have identical or similar items all over the market. Also there will be TMI for things like body care and butts and stuff so... yeah.
Saftey Razor (5/5) - I genuinely don't know how disposable razors managed to so thoroughly usurp safety razors, it is a marvel of marketing. I bought a super cheap safety razor ($20ish) and a 5 pack of blades because I was nervous and yeah there was a bit of a learning curve but not more than normal shaving? I'd say the biggest difference is the fact that pressing harder doesn't change anything and if your shave isn't close enough you need to switch angles instead of just going over and over again. I am not a patient shower-er and I have not yet cut myself. I've used it to shave every area except the Brazilian wax area. No razor burn to be seen (but again I have non sensitive skin). I dispose of the blades first in any old plastic container or can I'm getting rid of anyway before the trash, but that process may be more difficult with children who have access to bathrooms.
I could see how blade removal could be difficult for folks with shaky hands, and obviously self harm triggers from the blades are present.
Shaving Cream Bar (4/5) - Not as satisfying as a foam, but equally as effective. Docked a tiny bit for being very slippery to handle, especially when on its last legs. Also tough to spread around bikini areas.
Cardboard Tube "natural" deodorant (2/5) - I really wanted to like this one more because I loved the smell and the idea of it, but these suckers are fairly expensive and I also seem to like,,,, crush them???? I am not raging hulk of a person as far as I know but these suckers just have not managed to keep their whole shape and "push-up-ability" for me. Also I'm a real sweaty bastard and while it smelled nice it was not workday capable without a re-application. All in all it was just too much money for a semi-crushed nice smelling stick for me to buy again.
Old tee-shirt cotton pads (4/5) - I was shocked, shocked I tell you, with how well this ended up working for me. I was completely unwilling to actually sew a hem around the squares I cut from a no longer wanted cotton shirt and so I felt crazy looking at these stupid little fraying bits of scrap cloth. But I put them in an old tissue box and they blended right in with my bathroom. Applying products to the squares and then my face is exactly as good feeling as a standard disposable wipe. I used a different small basket I already had for dirty ones so I could wash them in larger batches because my morning process does not leave room for me deal with them one at a time because my life is a mess sometimes.
Washing them is... a process. At first I tried hand washing but then drying was not happening and my partner did not deserve the punishment of tiptoeing through a bathroom with like 50 cotton squares just around. Also cat hair got on everything. Eventually I ended up with the solution to use a mesh bag (like for bras) and added them to my laundry load that way so they dont get lost.
Honestly I would try this one if only because you have nothing to lose. You're getting rid of the tee shirt anyway, rub your face with it first and see if you like it!
Silicone period cup (4.5/5) - I really like mine and it takes a bit of practice, but I'd say it's well worth the learning curve. Once you know how to do it you can pop that sucker out, wash it and pop it back in in less than 3 minutes tops. Holds like 8 hours of blood no problemo.
Old clothing "paper" towels (2/5)- I wish this worked for me as well as the bathroom squares did. But between the cats and my general messiness old clothes were just not absorbent enough to clean as well as my actual wash rags. I may just have shitty clothes though.
They did work well for very specific instances like wiping up a spilled drink on a flat surface, but not enough for me to be willing to have a basket of old shirts just sitting in my house.
Bamboo Travel Cutlery (0/5) - No shade if you like these but they were garbage to me. I bought them because I was tricked by green-washing and cool advertisements and I wish I had just packed a normal fork.
Bar Shampoo/conditioner (2/5) - While these technically did a job, they did not work for me and my partner (and we share shampoo). He has thick curly locks and the shampoo and conditioner in a bar was just not able to permeate without some very meticulous showering and we are not meticulous people. Our showers are 10 minutes give or take, and we needed something more simple. I am also a clutz and would always drop them, losing whole dollars of shampoo at a time.
Some crazy shampoo/conditioner that a local hippie delivers to me in a metal tin so I only needed one reusable pump (5/5) - Hell yeah! I can't really do a good recommendation on this one because obviously not everyone is as lucky as I am to have a zero waste shop in the same city as they are. But here is my plea - give your local hippie shop owners a chance, do some intensive googling for local businesses and you may be pleasantly surprised at what you find! (by the way, if you're in the Tacoma area A Drop In The Ocean makes my shampoo)
Bidet (5/5+) - Honestly I tell people who arent zero waste to get a bidet. Just get one, they're so good. Mine was like $30 and it only shoots cold water and it's still the best thing that's ever happened to me. I still use toilet paper with mine but now it's like one square at a time for drying purposes.
Cast Iron Pan (5/5) - Im in love with my cast iron. It just sits on my stove and I cook everything on it. That being said, I've never managed to get it truly seasoned to be non stick on its own, I add a lil oil to it for that. I also literally dont know what all these crazy care instructions on the internet are. My father used a cast iron for 40+ years and he cleans it with water, sometimes a little soap if it's uber gross and it's literally fine. I've seen him re season it once. Not a good pan for people who have muscular troubles with their hands though, these bad boys are pretty heavy.
Also side bar: Advice about cast irons online is terrible it's all so pretentious and frightening to read if you don't have background knowledge but I swear, it's super simple. All those people using big words and crazy continuous care are just like, high on their own knowledge or something.
  1. You clean the cast iron
  2. you rub that bad boy with some vegetable oil or crisco
  3. you throw it upside down in the oven at 375 for an hour and let cool
  4. BAM all done. It is now seasoned forever. If for some reason you feel the seasoning getting thin somewhere (maybe because you're like me and accidentally left it in soapy water overnight because I'm a sinner) Just do step 1-3 again.
A mason jar instead of a reusable cup (0/5) - I dropped my bag because I'm a moron and it fucking exploded because it's glass, maybe 5/5 if you're not a moron but I'm unwilling to attempt again.
Keepcup TM (1/5) - Very cute but the lid stopped working after I kept putting boiling hot drinks in it. My friend's still works fine so maybe it's a fluke, but I didn't get another.
A $2 reusable starbucks cup (4/5) - Because I broke every other cup I guess. I also beat the shit out of it with no visible damage so far, including microwave, freezing, dropping and dishwasher. They are pretty thin though so I use a knit cozy so I can hold it when hot. Also doesn't seal shut.
Cutting open the bottle of my swiffer cleaner so I could refill it (5/5+) - Only thing that makes my swiffer worth it. The seal is a lie, there's threading under there. The instructions linked are a good way to do it, but I literally just hacked at the edge of mine with a knife until it came off. I refill using a cleaning concentrate and it works equally as well as the original cleaner. Throwing in that I got a reusable swiffer pad set of three as well and they work great too. Just throw them in with the laundry when they're dirty!
Powder Toothpaste (1/5) - Again, power to you if you can use this. My teeth felt clean but I also wanted to barf while using it. I did use it all, which I am proud of, and I did gag every time, which I am not.
And finally...
A metal reusable straw (3/5) - It's fine I guess. I cant really take it places with me but it's nice for when I drink at home.
I am so sorry this got so long. I don't know what happened. Quarantine is just so boring. Hopefully maybe other people can leave honest reviews of them trying to live normal lives with zero waste products too and add validity to this monstrosity or maybe just point out things I missed or something.
submitted by shostakofish to ZeroWaste [link] [comments]


2020.09.12 18:28 Anita-Smash Have severe body shame due to childhood trauma and what works for me.

TW sexual abuse, childhood emotional, and physical abuse. Forgive my formatting I’m on mobile. Also it’s long so don’t read if you don’t want too. Lol
I’m fairly new to the sub. It was advertised to me from another sub I’m in, and I joined and have been lurking for a few weeks. What I’ve read is a lot of people with similar issues that I have with severe body shame. Some wanting to know how to deal with it themselves and some wondering how to deal with it in a partner.
When I was young I was sexually abused and my dad low key knew about it. I know this bc he was always very aggressive in getting me away from the friend who was doing it to me. He was my dads best friend who was a police officer in our small town. My dad came home one night and I was dress for bed, I was about 4, he saw I was in a very large sized white Tshirt. His friend was with him and he immediately snapped and bea my the shit out of me for being “nasty.” A few years later he was mowing the grass while I was in my room changing into play clothes after school and he caught my neighbor who was in his thirties looking in my window. I was In kindergarten or 1st grade tops. My dad busted in the house closed my blinds all the way and beat the fuck out me calling me a whore. He told me men don’t marry whores. And that no one would want to be around me including him and my family if I was a whore. His friend would get my dad black out drunk and sneak in my room. I got the courage to tell my dad when I was about ten and the beating was awful. He called me a lying whore. Said I was just a nasty woman who only wanted one thing. He said his friend would never even glance at me, and no other man would if I spread those lies around. He continued the friendship. There were many other times he would make back handed remarks or out right beat me if he thought I was being nasty. He beat me up bc once came to pick me up from school and the gym shorts the school supplies were too short for him. I was an early bloomer and he was very disturbed by this and when men would look at me he would blame ME. So I grew up with a lot of shame. My mother also facilitated this with her own less physical more emotional grooming. She didn’t tell me about me best ration even after I started at ten and was terrified. She just told me it happens and Gabe me a pad. I learned about it in school around 12 from a video. She outlawed tampons bc it would take my virginity. The cop ended up kidnapping his own daughter and holding her hostage for a weekend repeatedly raping her. He was obviously caught. Only THEN did my dad question me in a believing way. By this time I was 17 and had moved out (emancipation).
I didn’t want Anyone to see any part of me naked, Not even my feet. Lol when I was in my teens I started spiraling, I was suicidal, very angry. I drank a lot. My dad was always drunk so I had a pretty steady supply. I had friends who didn’t get my hang ups. I started seeing my first (and only but that doesn’t matter) partner. We would kiss and I wanted to progress but shame is a hard thing to fight thru. I started getting Drunk and trying things. I wore a bathing suit for the first time and swam with the opposite sex for the first time drunk. I wore shorts around my bf first drunk. I flashed my first boob drunk, and even some leg. eye brow wiggle it took me nearly a year to work thru that shy phase and just begin to dress like a normal woman does. When we finally had sex I was a mess during and afterwards. I wrote in my diary for nearly a month trying to work on my shit. We talked and worked thru every single obstacle. He was incredibly patient. I never cheated. I was confused a lot, and felt awful most of the time bc I knew I wasn’t normal but had no idea where to begin to BE normal. Years later for his birthday my girl friend and our gay friend had just finished boudoir photos of my gf for her husband. When my now husband (yes same person) heard what they were up to, he mentioned he wanted some of me. I was appalled at first but we ended up getting drunk that night and everyone hyped me up so I did it. I just did it. The next day we (gf and gay friend) were looking at my pics The photos came out so fucking good. He had a printer and had already printed them, and I gave them to my husband and he LOVEd them. We had the best sex ever that night. I felt sexy and it was easier for me to just feel comfortable naked. It was so hot. Well months went by and my husband mention I should just take some nudes for just him to have for his own personal use. So weeks go by I get drunk and take the pics. He worked nights at the time and my gf practically lived with us. Anyway I noticed if I took boudoir or nudes and felt they looked decent I was more confident the next coming days and I fucked like a champ. So it became a regular thing for us. My husband and I. I don’t drink anymore. I don’t need to. If I start feeling chaste I get naked take a few pics and send them to him. I have an ig and even have posted on here a time or two as well (nothing lewd). It’s not so much the “attention” I barely get any. I’m not hot. Just an average looking 30ish woman with severe childhood trauma. Maybe it’s doing something that terrifies me so badly that makes being naked and comfortable with my husband seem like it’s so fucking easy and normal. Idk but my therapist okayed it. Lolol so it is what it is.
We’ve been together since I was 15, had sex when I was almost 17 and married at 19. We’ve been together 21 years now. I’ve never cheated. And no one has ever seen me totally nude but him. We have sex 6/7 times a week. Usually every single day. Life happens so obviously there are times we can’t thru no fault of our own. I like to think we are pretty healthy. I still get comments from people who have seen my private ig or know that I dress slutty for the camera from time to time. But they don’t get it. And I don’t know how to explain it. I guess facing your fears in the most scary way possible makes little private moments seem way less scary? Idk but why is there so much shame on a woman sharing her body? Even in these threads I’ve seen dudes say that’s a deal breaker and shit. Like why is a bikini okay but some lingerie that covers everything is lewd? Can we get past this as humans? Or is this something that won’t go away? If you are really into your partner who has some issues why can’t we just be patient while they work thru it? We jump to the worst conclusions bc a girl flashed some people while drunk. I saw a comment about next she’ll be in a gangbang and say “this is for you.” Or other women saying I’ve never flashed anyone ever even while drunk. We don’t know these people or what they’ve been thru! Who are we to judge how they work through their traumas. If someone wants to stick around and be patient let them. What ever happened to good ol empathy?
submitted by Anita-Smash to sex [link] [comments]


2020.09.11 05:51 throwraradish If your partner was a porn addict but promised to change and stop, would you be okay with them checking out bikini/cosplay/porny pics sometimes or would you still feel betrayed by that as well?

If they DID stop looking at porn but did occasionally check out porny bikini pics, cosplay pics etc?
submitted by throwraradish to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.11 04:05 chimken- my twin flame story (very long)

Okay so first of all, I’ve never really written any stories before. Please excuse me if it’s messy, I tried to make it easy to read and understand. I’ve been working on this for the past 5 hours because my thoughts are always a mess but I decided to finalize it because it’s already 4 am and I have to wake up early tomorrow. Please feel free to leave some advice in the comments if you feel like helping. :)
So I guess I’ll begin the story with some background info. I’ve had a few men in my life before, I have been in a couple of unimportant long distance relationships when I was younger, I also have 2 exes and I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for over 4 years now so I’m not unexperienced when it comes to relationships/romantic connections. I also wanna mention that I love my boyfriend with all my heart and he was the first man in my life that made me realize that the saying ‘when you know, you know’ was real if that makes any kind of sense.
There’s this guy I’ve known for over 4 years. I’ve always thought he was good looking but he’s also 4 years younger than me and I’ve always just viewed him as a friend. Back when I met him online I believe I was 19 and he was 15, he’s also British but I live in Europe so I’m not too far from him, only about a two-hour flight away. I met him at the same time (on the internet) as my current boyfriend. It’s also worth mentioning that him and my boyfriend have been internet friends for as long as him and I have, they’ve never met though.
Recently, just in the beginning of this year, my friend decided to visit either my country or another European country (I forgot which one) and so he told me about it and asked for my opinion. I obviously suggested my country because I thought it’d be fun to meet up with him. When he told me all this I didn’t think anything of it, I legit just wanted to meet up with him as friends but I was also excited because we hadn’t met before that time and we’ve known each other for so long. He said he was gonna spend 3 days here so I thought we’d meet up just one time and that’s it.
So the day came, it was in the beginning of February when his flight landed and we met up the next day because he got here pretty late so he just went straight to bed after landing. I was so happy to finally see him and get to know him through real-life conversations. When we met, we hugged and then made our way to this donut place where we grabbed a donut each.
Right off the bat we clicked. It just felt like I could tell him anything. We talked the entire time we were together, there was no awkward silence, it just felt so natural with him and even when there was a bit of silence, it somehow felt like home, so peaceful.
Anyways, a couple of weird things happened on the first day. We left the donut store and as we were walking away from it I noticed that my bracelet came undone and almost fell to the ground. This is an important detail because I got this bracelet from my current boyfriend back in 2018 for Christmas. It has had some issues where it’d come undone many times in the past so my mom took it to a jeweler to get it fixed just a few months after I got it and it HAS NOT come undone ever since (I wear it 24/7 and we probably got it fixed in the spring of 2019). Back then I thought it was very weird but I didn’t think anything of it.
Later that day the second weird thing happened. So we’d already been hanging out for a couple of hours, we were both kinda tired and thirsty so we went into this little store downtown and bought some water and candy. As we were walking out of the store, he noticed a mother and her daughter who were also just coming out of the store we were in and he goes “No way! These were the people on my flight from the UK to here last night!”. That’s when I started to notice that something was definitely going on here. I mean come on, you can’t call that a coincidence! They could’ve literally been anywhere, the capital city is huge, even the downtown area!
When I finally got home around 11 pm I was ready to FaceTime my boyfriend (he knew about me meeting my friend and he was okay with it). He asked about how it went and while telling him the details, for some reason I just felt so vulnerable and also kind of empty. That’s when I realized how much I was missing my friend and I was wishing I was still hanging out with him.
After that day we met up twice more and honestly, we had the time of our lives exploring the city together. I thought he was so mature and I genuinely thought and felt that we were the same person. The entire time we were together, we were walking and sitting so close to each other, there was an unexplainable force that was pulling me towards him. I’ve never felt like this with anyone before, I’ve never felt so understood and so at ease with anyone. We had this amazing soul connection, I can’t even explain because you have to feel it in order to really understand.
Every night after getting home from spending time with him my heart felt so heavy and I just felt so empty, I was longing for him, I wanted to spend more time with him and have even more long and meaningful conversations. When we said goodbye on the last day my heart literally broke. We took two selfies and as we were saying goodbye we hugged and I just couldn’t hold my tears back. I cried for a bit and so he hugged me again and then said something like “We’ll see each other soon” and made his way back to his hostel. When he got back, he sent me the pictures we took on his phone through iMessage (which we never used prior to that day by the way) and said something along the lines of “just so you have these too”. My heart started beating so fast and I got a feeling that him sending me the selfies was the way he expressed his sadness since he kinda put on a poker face when we said goodbye.
The day after he left he woke up kinda late but we texted a lot, just talking about random things. We pretty much texted all day, back and forth. I still felt the very strong connection we had even just through texting and he also sent a couple of messages in which he was kind of hinting at liking me.
When it comes to this next detail, it’s important to know that when he was here, he held the door open for me wherever we went. We were talking about relationships (through texts) and so I asked him if he’s ever had a girlfriend and I still remember to this day the exact thing he replied with. He said “held the door open for you, especially for you”. When I read that text my heart nearly stopped, I didn’t know what to do with the information so I asked him what he meant and he pretty much just said that he referred to the times he held the door open for me and asked me if I liked it. I knew exactly what he really meant with his reply but I was still just trying to brush it off.
Eventually, around 1 am that night I couldn’t hold myself back and I told him everything, I told him how I felt about him and that those 3 days we spent together were the best days of my life and he pretty much told me the same thing. I was so happy I finally got it off my chest and I couldn’t believe he felt the same about me! We started planning our future right after that, it was so beautiful. He also told me that he mostly came to see me and not the city, because he’s had a crush on me since we met online and I thought that it was really sweet.
About a week after admitting our feelings and saying “I love you” we also started FaceTiming, he was just so nice to me and by the way he talked to me and treated me I could tell that he was an experienced soul. After work he would call me and our calls would be 4 hours long but they went by so quickly because we had so much to talk about, the next thing we knew it was 1 am and time to get some sleep.
Around the end of February I noticed that he was acting a bit strange and distant. He started to kinda ignore my messages and he was being cold. I was begging for an explanation, I wanted to know what went wrong, if I messed up or he just simply changed his mind that quickly. We scheduled what I didn’t know was gonna be our last FaceTime call (at least for now). If I remember correctly it was on the 25th of February.
We had a long conversation about our situation. He told me that he couldn’t do a long distance relationship as his first relationship and that he still loved me very much but wanted to stay friends. He said he was way too scared of hurting me if we don’t work out in the end. When we had just started talking in the beginning of the month, he also said that he didn’t feel the age difference at all and when we called for the last time, he used that as an excuse too, he said 4 years was too much.
To be fair, I think these were all just made-up excuses, I think he got scared of the powerful connection we share. He’s definitely scared of loving someone and being loved back. I think he doesn’t feel worthy of love, I know he had a tough childhood but I just wish I could show him how much I really do love him and that if he chooses me I’ll be there for him forever. We haven’t talked since I wished him a happy birthday back in April. I have been so scared to reach out ever since. He also removed me from instagram in the beginning of August and to be honest it didn’t phase me back then but also I was kinda bummed that he didn’t text me for my birthday in mid August. I still have his number and e-mail address but I feel like if he wanted to reach out he would’ve already done it by now. I’m not sure if I should be the one to break the silence.
I feel like he only came up with these excuses because he wanted to choose for me. He thought that if he disappeared from my life it’d be easier for me to make a decision.
Despite him leaving me out in the cold, I know that he’s a very caring and loving person deep dow. I knew it from the first time he looked at me. I don’t think anyone has ever looked at me with such curiosity and love in their eyes.
I guess I’ll also talk about my relationship with my boyfriend during the quarantine months because it has some important details as well.
So after my friend left I was feeling so confused, I didn’t know what to do. It was a constant struggle for me to choose from the two men I love so much. My mom reads cards so I asked her what they said about each man but before she used them, she basically just gave me some motherly advice about how I should be with someone that’s 100% sure about wanting to be with me long term and would also make a good husband/dad.
The cards said that either man would be a good choice, I’d have a happy life no matter who I chose but it’d be very different because they both love and view me differently. Then I asked whether I’m right about me and my friend sharing this very deep connection and the cards said that it’s all true and that we were a couple in a previous life so we share this unbreakable bond. I had another question, it was about whether my boyfriend had developed a stronger connection with someone else and the cards said yes which caught me off guard because I thought the answer would be a definite no.
So the truth is, my boyfriend doesn’t believe in card reading and he doesn’t like when I ask about our relationship and he made it clear back in 2016 when we had just started dating so I promised I would never ask about us again from the cards and I kept my word up until February this year and I didn’t think it’d be as harmful as it turned out to be.
So I did the reading and my boyfriend asked me about what I’d been up to because I was gone for a while talking to my mom so I ended up spilling the beans. I told him about asking the cards about him and I again. I was so mad at him for what the cards said but I was clearly just projecting my own complicated situation onto him which he didn’t appreciate at all and we had a huge fight. When we both calmed down we eventually decided to take a week-long break from contacting each other to clear our heads. This was the time when my friend was starting to act more cold towards me. I was so lost, I couldn’t think straight and my life completely fell apart, it was like the rug was pulled out from under me and I ran back to my boyfriend thinking that my friend made a decision for me so I don’t have to worry about deciding anymore.
Things with my boyfriend went well for a few days when he suddenly told me that he couldn’t really go back to how things were after I broke his trust by using the cards again. From that day I was so focused on him and getting him back. I did everything I could just to be with him again. It took about 3-4 months before he could make a final decision about whether he wants to give me another chance or not. Just to clarify, my boyfriend has a lot going on in his family right now, a couple of deaths and some sick people so I think that all of those things played a part in him taking his time making a final decision about us.
When he finally took me back I was so happy, I’d been manifesting it for months using all sorts of techniques! We’ve been together again since our July monthiversary. I’ve been super happy with him and I’ve had a crazy amount of anxiety about my boyfriend finding out that I have feelings for my friend since they’re friends too. I didn’t really care about my friend as much anymore, I was super focused on improving my relationship with my boyfriend up until about a month ago. We're together and I still love him so much and care about him with all my heart, he's seriously the best, but right now my heart is so torn between these two men.
So about a month ago I came across a stream on twitch about this guy exposing scammers. He was streaming with his friend and as soon as his friend started speaking, memories came flooding back. He sounded almost exactly like my friend. His accent, his voice, everything. I had a very hard time falling asleep that night and he’s been on my mind ever since. A few days after the stream, I met my best friend from high school and I finally plucked up the courage to tell her about what happened to me back in February. It was so good to let it all out. She didn’t judge me, she was so understanding. I just couldn’t tell you how amazing it felt to talk about it with someone other than my own mom. Also, ever since these feelings have come up again, I’ve been seeing 1111 and 111 a crazy amount, in videos, on the clock, in games, just browsing the web, it’s honestly starting to become kinda boring.
I’m just having a hard time believing that it’s over. He was so serious about me, he said he would visit me as frequently as he could and he was even planning on telling his mom about us! We had plans of me going to his birthday party in April or him possibly coming here to visit me in March. We were planning on moving in together in a year or so, we were even looking into how it’d be possible for me to move to the UK now that it’s no longer a part of the EU. We talked about kids, we talked about how cool it’d be that they’d be citizens of 3 countries (he moved to the UK when he was just a few years old but he’s also a British citizen).
Honestly meeting him really opened my eyes to spirituality. I grew up in a very spiritual family but I never really got involved in it. In 2019 I realized there were free tarot videos on YouTube and I watched a couple but I never really got into it because it didn’t interest me at the time, however in a lot of the videos, readers kept talking about “twin flames”. I had no idea what that meant, I never really looked it up either because I didn’t care to know. I only truly realized what it meant after I met my twin flame.
When we admitted our feelings to each other, the term “twin flame” just randomly popped into my head like a hint in a video game or something. It came out of nowhere and so I looked up what it meant. I was shook to find out that a lot of the things on the list applied to our relationship. When we both agreed on how strong out connection is I just told him that I thought we were twin flames! He didn’t know what it meant so I explained and he did tell me that he felt like we had a very strong bond as well, something he’d never felt before.
Right after meeting him and recognizing our bond, I started seeing a crazy amount of angel numbers which I didn’t even realize in the beginning. I started to write the numbers down but eventually I just gave up because it was way too much and way too frequent for me to be writing them all down.
There were a couple of other interesting things that have happened since we haven’t been in contact. For this next bit it’s important to know that my friend was working in this specific town in south London I’d never heard of before he told me about it. About a month ago I got a leopard gecko and I ordered a couple of things that I needed to put in his enclosure including a bag of jungle substrate. When it got delivered to my apartment I was curious about what other products this particular brand had for sale so I typed the name of the substrate into google and hit search. When I saw the third hit I was shook. A hit with a reptile store came up which is in the SAME TOWN as his workplace! The title literally said the name of the town.
There was another interesting “coincidence” that happened as I was scrolling though the LoA Reddit when I had just made my account back in the spring. As I was saying I was just scrolling through the subreddit when all of a sudden his name popped up. It was a post about an author that had the same first name as my friend. Since he comes from a country where they speak an entirely different language, his name is not the typical English name, although to my understanding it’s common in the country he comes from. Still, it was strange to see his name pop up like that.
After he kinda ghosted me I started getting into meditating and I was on a mission to get my boyfriend back so I was manifesting like crazy. That’s when I realized that the Law of Attraction really works. Lately I’ve been struggling when it comes to it though because I don’t know what to manifest. I just don’t know how to go on with my life. What do I want from it? I have no idea.
It’s not easy because my current boyfriend is everything I’ve been looking for in a romantic partner, he’s open about his feelings, he doesn’t like other girls’ bikini pictures out of respect for me and he’s dedicated to our relationship, whereas my friend follows tons of instagram models, I think he even has a folder of all kinds of nudes on his computer. I also know that he has a big crush on this one particular model that I’ll never measure up to. My friend’s also slim and I’m about 176 lbs. I had a slim boyfriend before and I never really felt like he 100% loved and accepted me. I told my friend about what I was looking for in a relationship, that I want it to be very serious and I think I scared him away with all I had to say. I don’t wanna make him sound like a jerk because I think his soul is truly beautiful and unique, it’s just that he acts different when he’s around his friends if that makes sense.
Honestly I’ve been struggling in the past month, however writing my story has helped a lot already. I don’t know if I’ll ever know for sure if he’s my twin flame but I really do feel it in my heart that he is. I feel like he’s with me all the time in the 5D and I know what we have is not over yet, I can just feel it. I know I’ll see him again someday.
It’s also kind of strange that just as I was starting to write this story, I got a notification from travelocity, a travel app that I never use because I haven’t really needed it since January. I’ve never gotten a notification from it apart from check-in notifications. As I was starting my story, a notification came up and the title read “Green Light”. I don’t know if it means anything or I’m just trying to find meaning in everything I see.
Anyways, V, if you happen to find and read this I just want to say that I appreciate that you showed me the real you when it was just us two. Thank you for exploring the city with me, those were the best 3 days of my life. I hope maybe one day we can be more than just friends. I miss your voice, your personality, your entire being. I don't hold anything against you.
“If it feels right it’s probably right.”
submitted by chimken- to twinflames [link] [comments]


2020.09.10 02:16 KanyeQQ Everyone is Beautiful is Hypocritical and Harmful

I've been thinking about this for a while and it's become very clear to me that this societal movement of "everyone is beautiful" is not actually achieving anything substantial and doesn't even move toward the intended goal. This is fairly wordy but it has to be, so if you don't intend on reading it as a whole please don't comment.
First off I need to establish what I mean by "beauty" so that we are on the same page. Beauty is supposed to be a about what is both inside and outside, and people often hide behind this definition when someone is called "not beautiful" or "unattractive". However, when twitter is ranting and raving about "beauty standards" ,as they post photos of models in swimsuits, they aren't talking about the "soul" or "personality" of the woman in the bikini. "Plus sized" female influencers post things like #RealWomenHaveCurves on their feeds and speak about "unattainable beauty standards", but they aren't talking about being a kinder and happier person (ya know, inner stuff). They are talking about OUTER stuff, waistlines, cheek bones, breast size, and round bubble butts on toned legs. This is the kind of beauty people are talking about despite what they might say when confronted with this fact.
All of this drama is in pursuit of making a society where people do not feel less valuable as a person or a partner because they are not attractive or "beautiful". I would like to add that I RESPECT this goal!!! There are many other traits that make you valuable as a person and many of which should be of higher importance compared to the way you look. However the strategy that so much of our society has used to combat this is simply idiotic and is far more harmful than helpful.
The logic is this "if everyone is beautiful then no one is beautiful" therefore negating the value of being beautiful, right? Wrong. First off NO ONE is fooled by this, we all can clearly identify someone who is gorgeous and someone who is not. Yet people will openly make comments saying how beautiful someone is who clearly is not attractive in the slightest. There's nothing wrong with being ugly.
Secondly this behavior does ONE thing and one thing only, and that it exposes the fact that being beautiful is still held as a PRIMARY value in our society, let me explain. We have many things that would be considered valuable when it comes to defining a person. You can be kind, competitive, loyal etc. But we have no problem calling a cruel person "unkind". We would not call the girl who sat down and gave up during gymnastics "competitive". We would not call someone who betrays their family and those who trusted them "loyal". As a society, of course,we would want you to be kind, competitive and loyal but we wont say you are unless you are, despite how it might make you feel. Then we come to beauty, the idea of being beautiful seems to be under a different set of rules. See, when we say someone who isn't beautiful IS beautiful we are all revealing that we believe NOT being beautiful should devastate that person, that the person should feel as if a massive part of their character and value has been damaged. We admit that not being beautiful is worse than not being kind, not being loyal and so on. In fact it's so much worse that most of us cannot bare to even tell someone.
The actions and behavior of people in the attempt to strip beauty of its value in society has only exposed the hypocrisy that beauty is still SO valuable that to admit someone is not should be regarded as a devastating attack of their OWN value as a person. I stated before that "there is nothing wrong with being ugly." and most would agree with that. But avoiding the idea of ugliness all together does nothing but reinforce how influential looks truly are and no one is falling for "everyone is beautiful".
submitted by KanyeQQ to unpopularopinion [link] [comments]


2020.09.09 22:27 BigNog_ 2 Year No Porn Streak Over.

Basically, I quit watching porn on July 15 2018. I fapped regularly but ONLY used my imagination. At 1 year and 10 months (to the day!) I cracked and watched japanese lingerie/bikini models. Slowly I got bored and I watched porn for the first time this past weekend. I have watched 4-5 times since then. I want my life and energy back. I feel controlled by my urges and dopamine feeling. I had such a long streak of no porn and I cannot go back. I want to change. If anyone wants to be accountability partners please message me. I’m 26.
submitted by BigNog_ to NoFap [link] [comments]


2020.09.09 21:57 m1ch311e [SELL][US] Lots of new products, some used, mostly drugstore, some highend (Clinique, Kevyn Aucoin, Lorac, MAC, Nars, Too Faced, Urban Decay)

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submitted by m1ch311e to makeupexchange [link] [comments]


2020.09.08 14:18 lonerstoner696969 I think I might be sabotaging my relationship

My (26F) partner(26M) and I have been dating for 11 months now and have definitely have had our share of ups and downs.
We’ve fought a lot over social media at the beginning he would get mad at me for posting “attention seeking” cynical/sad tweets and I would get mad at him for commenting on girls pictures/videos or liking/RTing risqué content.
About 1.5 months ago we had a fight where I asked for space and we didn’t see each other for about 2 weeks. It all started because he was drunk one night and instead of asking me who was calling me at 2AM (no one was calling me it was an outlook reminder) he did this weird snarky thing where he asked what time it was and then said he only did it to see who was calling which caused me to just blow up. While I was taking time to cool off (we were not broken up) he archived/deleted all the pictures of me from his Instagram and went to his ex’s twitter and liked bikini and lingerie pictures of her from 2 and 3 years ago (weird af).
Honestly it really hurt my feelings and made me lose trust in him. Ive been going through a downward spiral of depression/relapsed on my ED/self harm and I’ve started text therapy since then but it’s gotten worse. I know it’s probably not just that that’s affecting me I’m sure it’s also the pandemic and work and other stress factors. But ever since he did that I just can’t get it out of my head that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and wants to keep his options open.
He said at the time that she means nothing to him and that he liked her pictures to piss her off because she had him blocked on everything else and randomly searched for her after a friend asked about her. I “forgave him” (not really) and have been trying to practice mindfulness and be “chill” and I’ve been good at it even though I’ve been depressed AF.
About a week ago he received a t shirt from this girl online that’s a very small local artist (less than 2K followers) for a fundraiser and tbh it made me a little jealous. I have an arts org and he has not once donated to any of our fundraising raffles or even shared our posts or events. To be fair he is unemployed rn and we haven’t followed each other on social media in a long time because we kept fighting over it but I always talk to him about the events and campaign we are doing. Anyway yesterday I saw that he followed this girls new burlesque Instagram page (the girl he bought the shirt from) and I asked him why he did it and if he was talking to her. I know it was a new follow because the account is new from late August and only has 36 followers on it. He said that I’m trying to pick a fight and that he didn’t realize it was a lingerie page even though her handle is literally ______burlesque.
I feel like I’m going crazy. I want to trust my partner, he is very loving to me, but I just don’t. I don’t know what to do.
submitted by lonerstoner696969 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.08 07:12 Character_You2380 Man (M31) Breaking Boundaries and Acting Invalidating While Dating Me (F25) - How to Bring Up Issues To Move Past or Move On?

The man I'm dating has done really basic no's for me, like flipping my skirt in public though not around people, filming me running on the beach in a bikini without asking first, grabbing me from behind and pulling my butt against his crotch in the middle of a crowd on our second date, or saying really sexual stuff really early on, or words / actions that alarmed me and didn't make me feel fully safe with consent. We knew each other as corworkers for eight months before dating, and I respect him as a person.
After several daties, I told him being strongly sexual, sexual talk, the actual act, is off the table for me out of a committed relationship and asked him to tone it down. I've gone through a lot of sexual violence since a young teen and haven't detailed everything to him. I want to feel safe being sexual again.
Now when I've asked him not to do something, he says "another thing!" or "I'll add that to the don't list." Makes me feel really invalidated and like I'm asking for a lot. I'm frustrated with all of the things that have added up, some that have been brought up, and some that have not, and his responses which have felt like a shamed teenager rather than an empathetic adult.
I get the sense he sees me as prickly about small things, and I can't believe I am bringing these obvious things up to an adult man. I've asked further when he's said hurtful stuff, and it comes for a logical place, but working to get there is frustrating to me.
It's his first relationship / sexual encounter in six years since really serious breakups. For some reason he gets a boner with me, but not other people. I've dated around, but had nothing lasting for four years. He grew up straight hood, "hey lil mama", and I've learned how to be assertive over the years from past experiences. In the last three months we've been dating, I've frozen many times, and brought stuff up a day or two later. I want to jump his bones, but in no way continue this unless this is sorted to a mutual understanding. Being sexually frustrated and having differing communication styles has been a part of the disconnect. We're talking in a week or two about general relationship stuff and I want to go in humanely and clear.
What have you done in relationship where boundaries of consent were crossed and the other partner doesn't seem to understand? He both seems to take it too lightly and too seriously at the same time. How deeply have you gone into past issues to air the closet and move forward?
I'm also seeing a therapist I've seen two other times this summer to talk through this.
TL;DR: Great man I knew for eight months has done things that crossed sexual boundaries for me in last three months of dating. Keeps doing sexual things I've objected to, and I'm getting the vibe he isn't understanding why these are such a big deal for me while also feeling shut down. Talking in a week and want to go in prepared.
submitted by Character_You2380 to relationships [link] [comments]


2020.09.07 06:05 transbianasfuck mcginn 3 month SRS megajournal

tw: botched surgeries, transphobia
hello! i am a trans girl who underwent penile inversion vaginoplasty with dr. christine mcginn in june 2020. i am 20 y/o, 1.5 yrs HRT. this is my story - complications, existential dread, and probably some stuff you’ve already heard.
complications beginning about 5-6 days post-op, i had necrosis of the top layer of my labia. it was fairly minor - the black, dead skin slowly shed and there was healthy tissue beneath so i was cleared to go home without worry. however, by day 12, it became more severe and located further into my labia and vaginal opening. everything was yellow and gooey, slowly draining out into a raw, patchy mess of a labia. it went from a snake shedding its skin to deep chunks of my vulva missing.
after about 2 months, things began healing back, but still not without aftermath. my labia are asymmetrical and weirdly shaped because the sutures helping to define them were anchored in the now dead and gone skin. in an attempt to heal, my body kept growing granulation tissue. but it kept growing and growing past what it should’ve, causing my vagina to nearly close from being so tight.
second surgery even putting aside the horrific look of the excess growth, and childbirth-like pain that dilation was now causing me (if i even could)... this was a huge problem that needed immediate attention. dr. mcginn prescribed me hydrocortisone cream to help, which didn’t. dr. powers, my pcp, instead recommended that i have surgery immediately to cut and cauterize all of the granulation tissue. needless to say this was quite traumatic, although i’m glad to report that it was a success in addressing that specific concern.
third surgery? i now am left with quite a bit of scar tissue from the hell my pussy has been through. this is an issue in particular with my vaginal opening, which now has an extremely small and thick aperture. because of this i am no longer able to even use the #1 dilator, even though there is enough diameter deeper in my vaginal canal. there is no consensus about what should happen to help with this, but all attempts to dilate have not stretched it hardly, so my non-expert opinion is that a sort-of episiotomy is in order.. in addition to fixing the aesthetic fuck ups i mentioned earlier.
aesthetics imo, my vulva looks depressing in comparison to any natal vulva. my labia minora is hardly defined so it just looks like there’s a slit in my body. all of it is a dark brown color, no pink on my labia minora. especially when standing, you can see a clear line where my mons ends and then it dips in to shrivley skin where the my vulva is. it looks like someone stamped a pad shape into me almost. you can also notice this strange shape when wearing certain underwear.
dysphoria i have none! wearing leggings, bikinis, etc now is so amazing and comfortable. it has been the silver lining keeping me moderately sane.
nonetheless i still feel very shameful about my vulva and am always uncomfortable to show partners. it’s just ugly and wrong i feel :-(
post-op depression i struggled for a few weeks after coming home for a few reasons. firstly, i was bedridden in my apt during quarantine. i couldn’t see anyone and no one wanted to see me. day to day tasks on my own wore me down physically which translated to emotional exhaustion as well.
second, i couldn’t stop thinking about surgery regret and the permanence of my surgery results. bottom surgery absolutely is still necessary for me, but maybe i should have considered other surgeons - i thought. i don’t want my genitals to be mutilated, and i initially felt strongly that they had been. less so now, but i still sometimes get depressed when i think about them.
dilating it’s a chore. you all know this, so all i’ll say is that some of the other posts of sheer misery are not being terribly overdramatic. it’s only painful for the first few minutes. otherwise it’s just tight/uncomfortable, and very time consuming. “i can’t right now, i’m dilating” will be a more commonly used phrase than you’d like. it will take some emotional strength to stick to your schedule.
the open wounds on my labia and vaginal opening made this 100x worse. the only way i was able to dilate without tapping out from pain (and i’m a masochist) is to get insanely high or take narcotics. just in case we wanted to add substance abuse issues to this shitshow. after my second surgery things are now fine pain-wise.
work from home has made the dilation schedule a bit more doable. also i would recommend finding an activity you can do with one hand to pass the time, you will get bored quick.
bedside manner there has been much talk of her bedside manner and it has had kind of a mixed consensus. initially at my consult i thought she was very sweet but direct and felt good about her patient relationships. but it later became clear that she is busy with many patients and does not have the capacity to give any individualized attention.
going into surgery we only spoke for about 2 minutes, it was all small talk so i never had a chance to ask my questions pre-op. i didn’t see her after surgery until i was ready to be discharged, my surgery buddy never got a call from her or the hospital either. after i left, i had some concerns about tearing stitches and i called the emergency number she gave. she was a bit short and dismissive that i even asked. at my first post-op appt though, she goes “i think you’re the only one i didn’t hear from this weekend!” and then proceeded to nonchalantly admit that she fucked up the way that she stitched my packing in... huh. it was stitched on my ass basically, pulling my skin a painful and concerning amount as well as covering my asshole (how am i going to shit?!). dr. powers independently noticed and was confused. once the packing came out, things were okay minus extra scars.
in retrospect, i feel much of the planning i had to do in the months leading up to surgery were not adequately informed by the office. i spent a lot of time learning from friends who are also patients of hers and just as lost as me.
i was repeatedly deadnamed in the hospital, on phone calls, and during visits despite explicitly correcting her staff and the nurses. there is also no reason for nurses to he/him me while i’m in the hospital for gender affirming surgery. i doubt this is a common experience but it still was extremely bothersome esp as this doesn’t even happen to me in my daily life these days.
further, i do not feel that she has acknowledged or properly addressed my complications - instead dismissing them as “this is just the way they heal.” to an extent, yes, it is going to be pretty damn messy for most initially. but necrosis of half the labia should not be made out as normal. so i have instead had to rely on dr. powers to tell me truthfully what’s going on with my body and how to manage it - not everyone has access to someone as knowledgeable as him. their medical advice has been contradictory to one another, making navigating things post-op even more confusing.
dr. mcginn to date will not call me back re: the most recent set of complications. because she is unwilling to even talk with me about my health (and further surgery), i’m currently exploring other surgeons.
depth at my first post-op, they used a long q-tip to measure me and it was 6”. however even that night, i was not able to get past about 5” with the #1. currently i am about 4-4.5”. they were extremely dismissive of my concerns both initially and at my 6 week appt, essentially saying “it was 6 inches, remember, so this permanent loss is your fault” and granted, i have not been dilating as aggressively as prescribed recently (due to severe pain, reliance on addictive painkillers, and physical limitations), but that doesn’t address the discrepancy on day 1 or how to proceed. i can only fit about a finger‘s worth in diameter due to more recent complications.
the others i am not the only patient of mcginn who has recently experienced this. three other friends of mine had surgery within a week of me, and two of them also have significant necrosis, excess growth, and a small/scarred aperture. this doesn’t seem like a coincidence to me, especially considering as necrosis is sometimes caused by tight sutures cutting off blood flow. i do not want to speak for them, however, as i know they feel quite differently about dr. mcginn than i do.
recovery at home it took some time to be able to do basic things like shower, cook, and walk long distances again. after 4 weeks, i comfortably went back to my desk job full-time (from home bc covid). currently, my energy levels are normal and general pain is occasional/minimal. even with the complications, there is hardly anything too painful to do (besides dilation, ugh).
sex yes, i am sensate. thank god my clit is fully intact and unproblematic. my libido has gone down a bit but it still is there, probably thanks to progesterone. but no, i haven’t orgasmed yet. i’ve felt like i’m super close though. i’m extremely tight so i‘m terrified of penetrative sex, but getting fingered is fun if we’re careful. i always bleed slightly when we do. oh and wow, the gender euphoria!!!
also the whole “you need to use a ton of lube since you can’t get wet” is kind of bullshit (based on my experience ofc). i am dripping wet when i get fingered w/o lube, to the point that i have to put a towel down lmao.
cost $23,100 for surgery, hospital, and anesthesia. plus another $2,500 or so for travel accommodations. michigan medicaid refused to cover surgery or meds because she is out of state, even though SRS is a part of my plan. i didn’t become aware of the insurance denial until 3 weeks before surgery - after i had paid over half of my surgery, expecting for it to come back in a reimbursement. i had to take out long-term personal loans to help pay for everything.
wait list i called in feb 2020, got an in person consult for the following week, at which point i put down a $3,500 deposit to schedule my surgery for june 2020.
coronavirus my surgery date was unaffected by coronavirus, however there were two key policy changes: i flew into the area several days early to be tested (nasal swab not sinus), and was not allowed to have visitors in the hospital.
hair removal i did not do genital electrolysis/laser and have not had issues. but it also may be too early to tell.
stopping hormones i also did not stop hormones, which was dr. mcginn’s instruction. however this is not true of most of her patients.
feel free to comment or DM if you have questions not addressed here. <3
submitted by transbianasfuck to Transgender_Surgeries [link] [comments]


2020.09.06 02:54 abcd5000 We check girls out because of FOMO

I've been on the NoFap journey for the past 4 years or so (one 250+ day streak and a few 90+ day streaks), so I don't frequently have urges to watch porn anymore. But I do still suffer from sexually objectifying women (checking girls out in public, looking at a date's chest trying to estimate how large her boobs are, etc.).
I was walking down the beach today and really resisted ogling the girls in bikinis. I realized that my desire to check out random strangers is really related to FOMO. I'm afraid that I'm gonna miss the dopamine hit from seeing an attractive girl and skin that is usually supposed to be covered up. But it's this dopamine rabbit hole that we need to get out of. Two arguments:
  1. Between my IRL hook-ups and years of porn use, I've seen nearly every type of naked female body.
  2. Even in the unlikely case that this person that I'm tempted to check out has a body type that I've never seen before, I've already seen 100x more naked female bodies in my life than my grandfathers did. I'll survive without another one.
You don't need to mentally undress every female stranger you walk past. It's creepy and demeaning to the woman, and is mentally distracting to you and increases the likelihood of you getting urges.
This advice can also be applied to guys who are still fighting urges to peek with actual porn. There's nothing new under the sun. Start getting your enjoyment out of mastering skills, real-life relationships, appreciating nature, etc. Relying on novel porn vids or sexual partners is just a slippery slope that can lead to new fetishes or deviant behavior.
submitted by abcd5000 to NoFap [link] [comments]


2020.09.05 20:54 GarbagePailKid1980s Pornography - the stealer of dreams (some random, Saturday night FA thoughts).


This is long-ish, as I got carried away.
This is Xposted from the main FA subreddit, hence references to being old.
TLDR: "Part one" is about porn and being FA, "Part 2" is more about my personal experience of porn.
TLDR: Just look at my q's half way through and write about your own thoughts on porn, if you like. I'm aware that this is rambling, it's Reddit after all. These are thoughts, I am not interested in a debate.)
I recently watched a Ted Talk against pornography, in which a reasonably attractive young, Swedish female (I'm making an obvious albeit cheap point by drawing attention to that) cycled through the well known arguments against porn, concluding her argument against porn on mostly normative grounds. She said: imagine our lives without porn, "where we get to explore, and we get to be curious, and we get to decide what we want, what we think is sexy, and what turns us on".
It made me think how little relevance any of the arguments against porn, or even discussions relating to its use, have for the FA life, and how such arguments often fail to capture the significance that pornography has or had for many of us. One might hope - as advised by the anti porn campaigner above - to be sexually curious, to be sexually exploratory, to set personal limits on the expression and experience of desires and wants, without those things having been shaped or influenced by pornography. For the FA, that is nonsense talk though. Curiosity goes no where, and without options there are no limits to be set. We exist in a sort of blindspot, where the relation of porn (fantasy) to real life relationships (reality) is not so easy to pinpoint. The reality of relationships for us have only ever been hypothetical.
There is a common narrative that porn is harmful to men because of its twin habituation and desensitisation effect. That men seek out ever more violent or hardcore stuff and that constant exposure to porn strips men of an ability to see every day women as whole, as persons - as embodied persons rather than as mere bodies. There isn't really any compelling evidence for that, and I've never been convinced by it: seeking novelty might be true but it doesn't necessitate seeking ever worst stuff, for example. My exposure to porn has never been tempered by any such niceties, and yet if anything still interests me, it is the simple, soft, gentle material that still appeals.
FAs are in an uncommon situation. Porn might be said to exists as an offering up of fantasy, and fantasy doesn't require negotiation with its other participants: the whole appeal of porn is in being a representation of the very unreal and the very unlikely. Though for FA's the aspect of fantasy is not only limited, but it springboards into nothing, and begins as a dead end - a sad and soulless waste of our sexuality. Porn is a limited offering to the FA in the sense that we of course need the nourishment of something else, something greater than that, something more wholesome, which porn cannot offer. Porn cannot, obviously, reciprocate - it cannot ask after your day and listen to your thoughts at nights. It cannot validate, vindicate, recognise. It is so limited in scope that it borders on the functionally sterile. It cannot offer anything in fact, except a moment of distraction, followed by a hopefully richer expulsion.
I described porn as the stealer of dreams. But it isn't for us, not really. It might be for regular folk, who can watch porn and try to reimagine what they might ask for on Friday night, but for FA it is only pitiful. Not only will we never do that, nor will we do anything before or after (which is where the real movement of life is found: sex is really the crescendo of connection and requires escalation and descent). Nothing in our life could ever lead to what we see, and there is none of the benefits following from it. Porn for many is an approximation of sex - sex that they have, have had, or could have - and depending on genre and intensity, they can weigh up its realism, its relevance; but for the FA, it is a slap in the face, a reminder of what is forever out of reach, forever unobtainable. To watch porn as an FA is akin to fine dining in isolation in a shipping container, the perks of the experience are often outweighed by the ridiculousness of the circumstances.
The vast, vast majority of users of porn are (or will) be influenced by various currents of sexual expression. Older male FAs are, in some ways, in a socially unique position. It is only us who have lived so long in that fantasy world, and for some of us it is possible that porn has actually been our lifelong partner. Where many have their first fumble with a real life person, we have a first porn story. Where many had their experimental years, we have a click or two into another genre. Where many make love, we have the girl who represents someone we ache to know or regret that we never could. Where many age, mature, and say goodbye to the irrelevance of porn, we have nothing - no real world sex, no one to turn to, and no one to hope for. To give up porn for us is to embrace our emptiness.
And if the habitation and desensitisation theories were true we should all be monsters by now addicted to snuff films. We have one of most unusual relationship to porn, for some of us it is our primary and only expression - it has been our companion from our teens.
This is a post, really, for people to discuss, if they wish to, their own history with porn. For example:
When did you first watch porn, and how much do you watch now?
What do you feel about porn - both in relation to your personal use of it, and as a "moral" matter?
Do you think that porn has created a dormant issue for you, one that might reveal itself if you ever did (miracle permitting) find a girl?
Does porn have any emotional significance for you?
Etc., etc.
You don't have to address those particular questions. It's not a survey.
Me and Porn - "the rise and fall (lol)"
I am the age where I can say, like many here, that porn wasn't so easy to come across in my childhood. My early masturbation sessions around the age of puberty were actually to the lingerie section in Littlewoods catalogues. I used to look at the underwear wearing models, and their faint trace of pubic hair would be enough that... it was enough. (I am so glad, incidentally, that I didn't have access to hardcore porn as I would if I was that age now - it would have been too raw, too soon). I felt then a perception of the power of sex, of the mystery and outofreachness of women's bodies, of this strange force from the adult world that I was becoming increasingly aware of. The maturity of the women in the catalogue stood out for me. These were real women, fully formed, fully fleshed out. They could over power me in all ways. And I liked that idea. These were women who surely knew about a part of adult life I didn't, but one day hoped I would. For some time I roved in this secret world, my secret excitements and my secret sessions, masturbating all too frequently to images of scantily clad women, modelling bikinis, underwear, etc.
Being British, there were always apocryphal tales of finding dirty mags discarded in the woods, or in back alleys, etc., though I never did, in spite of often secretly hoping to stumble upon that.
Instead I sought out a lot of softer stuff in my mid teens, for example TV shows such as Eurotrash. And I would stay up late at night, channel hopping feverishly, hoping for the odd simulated sex scene or breast reveal in a movie that I could jerk off to under my duvet. I would also secretly watch my dads dirty recordings on the rare occasion I was alone in the house. It was all very deceptive - I would find the key to his cupboard, scan through his VHS, and if I was lucky I'd find something vaguely erotic, like Red Shoes - in hindsight, what garbage. I'd then retrace my steps, and cover my tracks.
Oh, the idiocy of a horny teen.
The first actual hardcore clip I saw - Though I guess it would be consider soft core, nowadays - was a short clip I'd found online of a sexy blonde straddling a man (this was in the days of dial up and pay as you go internet, and one had to dodge virus after virus on Russian sites before one actually found a genuine porn clip). In this clip she had mounted him, and gently guided him into her, slowly riding him to completion. It broke my brain a little to see it. At that point I had no real sense of what I saw then as the intensity, closeness, and intimacy available through real world sex. I knew, of course, the mechanics that were involved, and I'd seen plenty of acted out non explicit stuff with simulated contact and climax, fake moans and over the top cinematics. But I hadn't seen this. I hadn't seen actual intercourse. And only then did I begin to understand the psychological significance, the sense of being part of another person, of joining into one for mutual connection and shared satisfaction.
At that age, there was no concept of being FA or thought or significance given to it. I had mixed feelings - wonder, excitement, arousal - and had, like anyone, an unspoken assumption that that too would be me one day, with a girlfriend, and how spectacular that would be. I wouldn't say there was hope there, but simply indifference: I knew I was shy and awkward, but if I were to give it any thought, I would have assumed that it would all sort itself out, somehow, that when I was the age of the couple featured, I too would have my sex stories. Because I assumed that my trajectory in life would be much the same as anyone's, so I didn't give that stuff any thought. That is how life unfolds after all: adolescence is mostly about fantasy, adult life is mostly about reality. And reality for an adult male is supposed to include becoming someone that women actually would have sex with, enough at least that one has some sexual history to recount.
Sadly, that didn't quite worked out.
I soon became dependent on porn. I don't want to say addicted, because that is hard to define. But for the next ten to fifteen years I was jerking off to porn often, staying up until unreasonable hours of the night, downloading video after video, and images too. I was banned from the library at university for downloading porn for later use (what was I doing? LOL). I'd sometimes branch off into seedier porn - piss play, power play, bondage, etc. But the porn that always excited me the most was the soft stuff, and the smaller details. I got into erotica for a bit, as the context of stories added another element. The stuff in porn that got the most under my skin was mostly the stuff I am told that men like me are blind to - shows of intimacy, closeness, suggestive smiles, little touches and strokes, and a female focus. The stuff that arouses me the most now is still the stuff I was watching as a teen, though I've admittedly taken many digressions elsewhere. Young women stripping and playing solo, nude pictures of shapely and young females (Reddit is good for this), passion and massage porn like Joymii, Bellusa, Only Secretaries, etc.
According to theory I ought to be habituated to the hardest of the hardcore by now, and I ought to have totally unrealistic views toward women. Yet a real life woman undressing for me and being sexually kind and considerate would probably move me more in 2 minutes than the monstrous weight I've all the porn I've wanked off to does.
Eventually hope burns itself out though, and the scales tip. Porn stops being something watched with expectation, with assumption or aspiration - something being depicting that I might just do one day with that long dreamed for partner - and it begins to represent all that I never got to do, and can reasonably conclude at my age now never will do, not least because I am no longer a horndog 21 year old male.
That to me is the FA experience with porn: it isn't a story of habituation and desensitisation. It is a story of growing futility. The porn set becomes permeated with a sense of loss, of that which never could be. It moves from fantasy into delusion. A fantasy probably holds a kernel of feasibility, but a delusion is a total dead end. I watch porn now with a sense of detachment, a sense of it being somehow incomplete, unrewarding: I can no longer put myself into the scene. I can no longer commit to an imagining of that girl undressing for me. It doesn't touch me as it did, because it now has shed any lingering connection to the reality of my life. I am an old man, an old man jerking off to moving pixels on a screen. It is a trick. There is no spiritual strength to this experience. It isn't cementing and consolidating a meaningful bond. It isn't nourishing a relationship, or growing together through shared affection. These things are, truly, all that sex could be, should be. Instead my sexuality is always only just me, a screen or not, another video or not, but always a sad and lonely clean up.
submitted by GarbagePailKid1980s to ForeverAlone [link] [comments]


2020.09.05 20:22 GarbagePailKid1980s Pornography - the stealer of dreams (some random, Saturday night FA thoughts).

This is long-ish, as I got carried away.
TLDR: "Part one" is about porn and being FA, "Part 2" is more about my personal experience of porn.
TLDR: Just look at my q's half way through and write about your own thoughts on porn, if you like. I'm aware that this is rambling, it's Reddit after all. These are thoughts, I am not interested in a debate.)
I recently watched a Ted Talk against pornography, in which a reasonably attractive young, Swedish female (I'm making an obvious albeit cheap point by drawing attention to that) cycled through the well known arguments against porn, concluding her argument against porn on mostly normative grounds. She said: imagine our lives without porn, "where we get to explore, and we get to be curious, and we get to decide what we want, what we think is sexy, and what turns us on".
It made me think how little relevance any of the arguments against porn, or even discussions relating to its use, have for the FA life, and how such arguments often fail to capture the significance that pornography has or had for many of us. One might hope - as advised by the anti porn campaigner above - to be sexually curious, to be sexually exploratory, to set personal limits on the expression and experience of desires and wants, without those things having been shaped or influenced by pornography. For the FA, that is nonsense talk though. Curiosity goes no where, and without options there are no limits to be set. We exist in a sort of blindspot, where the relation of porn (fantasy) to real life relationships (reality) is not so easy to pinpoint. The reality of relationships for us have only ever been hypothetical.
There is a common narrative that porn is harmful to men because of its twin habituation and desensitisation effect. That men seek out ever more violent or hardcore stuff and that constant exposure to porn strips men of an ability to see every day women as whole, as persons - as embodied persons rather than as mere bodies. There isn't really any compelling evidence for that, and I've never been convinced by it: seeking novelty might be true but it doesn't necessitate seeking ever worst stuff, for example. My exposure to porn has never been tempered by any such niceties, and yet if anything still interests me, it is the simple, soft, gentle material that still appeals.
FAs are in an uncommon situation. Porn might be said to exists as an offering up of fantasy, and fantasy doesn't require negotiation with its other participants: the whole appeal of porn is in being a representation of the very unreal and the very unlikely. Though for FA's the aspect of fantasy is not only limited, but it springboards into nothing, and begins as a dead end - a sad and soulless waste of our sexuality. Porn is a limited offering to the FA in the sense that we of course need the nourishment of something else, something greater than that, something more wholesome, which porn cannot offer. Porn cannot, obviously, reciprocate - it cannot ask after your day and listen to your thoughts at nights. It cannot validate, vindicate, recognise. It is so limited in scope that it borders on the functionally sterile. It cannot offer anything in fact, except a moment of distraction, followed by a hopefully richer expulsion.
I described porn as the stealer of dreams. But it isn't for us, not really. It might be for regular folk, who can watch porn and try to reimagine what they might ask for on Friday night, but for FA it is only pitiful. Not only will we never do that, nor will we do anything before or after (which is where the real movement of life is found: sex is really the crescendo of connection and requires escalation and descent). Nothing in our life could ever lead to what we see, and there is none of the benefits following from it. Porn for many is an approximation of sex - sex that they have, have had, or could have - and depending on genre and intensity, they can weigh up its realism, its relevance; but for the FA, it is a slap in the face, a reminder of what is forever out of reach, forever unobtainable. To watch porn as an FA is akin to fine dining in isolation in a shipping container, the perks of the experience are often outweighed by the ridiculousness of the circumstances.
The vast, vast majority of users of porn are (or will) be influenced by various currents of sexual expression. Older male FAs are, in some ways, in a socially unique position. It is only us who have lived so long in that fantasy world, and for some of us it is possible that porn has actually been our lifelong partner. Where many have their first fumble with a real life person, we have a first porn story. Where many had their experimental years, we have a click or two into another genre. Where many make love, we have the girl who represents someone we ache to know or regret that we never could. Where many age, mature, and say goodbye to the irrelevance of porn, we have nothing - no real world sex, no one to turn to, and no one to hope for. To give up porn for us is to embrace our emptiness.
And if the habitation and desensitisation theories were true we should all be monsters by now addicted to snuff films. We have one of most unusual relationship to porn, for some of us it is our primary and only expression - it has been our companion from our teens.
This is a post, really, for people to discuss, if they wish to, their own history with porn. For example:
When did you first watch porn, and how much do you watch now?
What do you feel about porn - both in relation to your personal use of it, and as a "moral" matter?
Do you think that porn has created a dormant issue for you, one that might reveal itself if you ever did (miracle permitting) find a girl?
Does porn have any emotional significance for you?
Etc., etc.
You don't have to address those particular questions. It's not a survey.
Me and Porn - "the rise and fall (lol)"
I am the age where I can say, like many here, that porn wasn't so easy to come across in my childhood. My early masturbation sessions around the age of puberty were actually to the lingerie section in Littlewoods catalogues. I used to look at the underwear wearing models, and their faint trace of pubic hair would be enough that... it was enough. (I am so glad, incidentally, that I didn't have access to hardcore porn as I would if I was that age now - it would have been too raw, too soon). I felt then a perception of the power of sex, of the mystery and outofreachness of women's bodies, of this strange force from the adult world that I was becoming increasingly aware of. The maturity of the women in the catalogue stood out for me. These were real women, fully formed, fully fleshed out - unlike the shrill and childish girls at school. They could over power me in all ways. And I liked that idea. These were women who surely knew about a part of adult life I didn't, but one day hoped I would. For some time I roved in this secret world, my secret excitements and my secret sessions, masturbating all too frequently to images of scantily clad women, modelling bikinis, underwear, etc.
Being British, there were always apocryphal tales of finding dirty mags discarded in the woods, or in back alleys, etc., though I never did, in spite of often secretly hoping to stumble upon that.
Instead I sought out a lot of softer stuff in my mid teens, for example TV shows such as Eurotrash. And I would stay up late at night, channel hopping feverishly, hoping for the odd simulated sex scene or breast reveal in a movie that I could jerk off to under my duvet. I would also secretly watch my dads dirty recordings on the rare occasion I was alone in the house. It was all very deceptive - I would find the key to his cupboard, scan through his VHS, and if I was lucky I'd find something vaguely erotic, like Red Shoes - in hindsight, what garbage. I'd then retrace my steps, and cover my tracks.
Oh, the idiocy of a horny teen.
The first actual hardcore clip I saw - Though I guess it would be consider soft core, nowadays - was a short clip I'd found online of a sexy blonde straddling a man (this was in the days of dial up and pay as you go internet, and one had to dodge virus after virus on Russian sites before one actually found a genuine porn clip). In this clip she had mounted him, and gently guided him into her, slowly riding him to completion. It broke my brain a little to see it. At that point I had no real sense of what I saw then as the intensity, closeness, and intimacy available through real world sex. I knew, of course, the mechanics that were involved, and I'd seen plenty of acted out non explicit stuff with simulated contact and climax, fake moans and over the top cinematics. But I hadn't seen this. I hadn't seen actual intercourse. And only then did I begin to understand the psychological significance, the sense of being part of another person, of joining into one for mutual connection and shared satisfaction.
At that age, there was no concept of being FA or thought or significance given to it. I had mixed feelings - wonder, excitement, arousal - and had, like anyone, an unspoken assumption that that too would be me one day, with a girlfriend, and how spectacular that would be. I wouldn't say there was hope there, but simply indifference: I knew I was shy and awkward, but if I were to give it any thought, I would have assumed that it would all sort itself out, somehow, that when I was the age of the couple featured, I too would have my sex stories. Because I assumed that my trajectory in life would be much the same as anyone's, so I didn't give that stuff any thought. That is how life unfolds after all: adolescence is mostly about fantasy, adult life is mostly about reality. And reality for an adult male is supposed to include becoming someone that women actually would have sex with, enough at least that one has some sexual history to recount.
Sadly, that didn't quite work out.
I soon became dependent on porn. I don't want to say addicted, because that is hard to define. But for the next ten to fifteen years I was jerking off to porn often, staying up until unreasonable hours of the night, downloading video after video, and images too. I was banned from the library at university for downloading porn for later use (what was I doing? LOL). I'd sometimes branch off into seedier porn - piss play, power play, bondage, etc. But the porn that always excited me the most was the soft stuff, and the smaller details. I got into erotica for a bit, as the context of stories added another element. The stuff in porn that got the most under my skin was mostly the stuff I am told that men like me are blind to - shows of intimacy, closeness, suggestive smiles, little touches and strokes, and a female focus. The stuff that arouses me the most now is still the stuff I was watching as a teen, though I've admittedly taken many digressions elsewhere. Young women stripping and playing solo, nude pictures of shapely and young females (Reddit is good for this), passion and massage porn like Joymii, Bellusa, Only Secretaries, etc.
According to theory I ought to be habituated to the hardest of the hardcore by now, and I ought to have totally unrealistic views toward women. Yet a real life woman undressing for me and being sexually kind and considerate would probably move me more in 2 minutes than the monstrous weight I've all the porn I've wanked off to does.
Eventually hope burns itself out though, and the scales tip. Porn stops being something watched with expectation, with assumption or aspiration - something being depicting that I might just do one day with that long dreamed for partner - and it begins to represent all that I never got to do, and can reasonably conclude at my age now never will do, not least because I am no longer a horndog 21 year old male.
That to me is the FA experience with porn: it isn't a story of habituation and desensitisation. It is a story of growing futility. The porn set becomes permeated with a sense of loss, of that which never could be. It moves from fantasy into delusion. A fantasy probably holds a kernel of feasibility, but a delusion is a total dead end. I watch porn now with a sense of detachment, a sense of it being somehow incomplete, unrewarding: I can no longer put myself into the scene. I can no longer commit to an imagining of that girl undressing for me. It doesn't touch me as it did, because it now has shed any lingering connection to the reality of my life. I am an old man, an old man jerking off to moving pixels on a screen. It is a trick. There is no spiritual strength to this experience. It isn't cementing and consolidating a meaningful bond. It isn't nourishing a relationship, or growing together through shared affection. These things are, truly, all that sex could be, should be. Instead my sexuality is always only just me, a screen or not, another video or not, but always a sad and lonely clean up.
submitted by GarbagePailKid1980s to FA30plus [link] [comments]


2020.09.04 13:49 throwaway23august20 Wife had an EA that turned PA, now what?

My wife (30F) and me (34M) have been together for 9 years, married for 2. We have a 2 year old son.
Sorry for ultra-long text.
DDay was 23rd of August. We had a relationship talk in the start of June where she said she wasn't happy. She wasn't sure why entirely, some stuff with me as a partner, stress over work, parenthood, new house, etc. I was somewhat shocked by this, as I've always thought we had a happy marriage. I was happy, not to say everything was perfect of course.
Over the following months I tried and tried, really hard to be the perfect husband. Give her space, give her time to work, take more care of the house and our son. None seemed to help, and I felt her slip more and more away which was frustrating to say the least. I tried to talking to her several times, but she was never in the mood to really talk. I suggested MC but she didn't think it would help. Sex life wasn't good either. She didn't feel like sex at all, and that it didn't have anything to do with me.
During this time, she did a lot of things for herself to make her feel good. She started caring more about her appearance again, doing fitness, more make up, new underwear and getting bikini waxed.
I've know for a long time she's had a very good relationship with one of her coworkers, where they would text a lot of FB messenger. It wouldn't say I'm a jealous person, but it definitely didn't feel right. Especially after our talk in June. She would always turn her phone away from me when she was holding it, and wouldn't let me hold it if she wanted to show me a funny picture or something. I could always tell when she got a message from him as she would light up like a christmas tree.
After a while of this, I started asking her if I should be worried, but of course not, "we're just friends". Things didn't get better and I got more and more anxious. I told her at one point, that I knew something was wrong, and hoped she would tell me so we could just talk about and work on fixing us. But once again, "we're just friends". I even opened up to the possibility of her being allowed to do something with him, mostly in order to get her to talk.
Eventually I saw her phone PIN and couldn't help myself. I can't remember the exact date I looked through her phone, but it's less than 14 days prior to DDay. Whenever i looked, most if not all messages with him was delated. I mentioned to her after that I noticed one evening she was deleting messages with him, and asked her why, "Oh, I do that with everyone". She didn't.
As I felt my suspicions had been somewhat confirmed, I continued to look whenever I got the chance. Friday the 21st of August she mentioned she was behind at work and also wanted to go do some fitness, maybe during saturday. That night, or the morning of the 22nd (call me sentimental, but the 22nd was the date in the month we started dating) I noticed there was only 1 message in their chat. He had written, "You're more than allowed :-)", to which my wife had only responded with liking with a Heart. This felt super bad, "What was it she was allowed to do?" I thought.
She still wanted to go do some fitness, which she does at work. The problem is, her AP lives RIGHT NEXT to work. Like literally 1 minute walk. I told her directly, "I'm scared you're going to visit him", once again she said, "don't worry, we're only friends. I just really need to go do some fitness". She left and I stayed home with our son.
When she got home, she had taken a shower because she worked out a lot. She was also tired and so went and took a little nap. When she woke up, she was extra kind. Wanted to go do some nice all 3 of us. Told me she wanted to give me a blowjob later and cook some nice food. We went out for some shopping, and ended up eating out. When we got home she was really tired, and ended up going to bed pretty early.
The next evening I looked through the phone, there were only 2 messages. One from her, and one from him. She had asked him, if it wasn't weird that they keep seeing eachother, knowing the feelings she had for him, and he didn't for her. To which he replied, he didn't think it was weird, he was just afraid if she felt he used her.
Fuck ... My world just crumbled there.
Obviously, I didn't know 100% that they had sex. But still, I felt like I had enough to confront her. I told her I read her messages, and acted like I knew everything. Then she told me. She said they have had sex two times, once the day before when she was "doing fitness" and the first time was during work sometime leading up to that weekend.
I felt absolutely fucking devasted. I still do. I can't understand how she could bring herself to do it not only once, but twice. While coming home to me and saying she loved me. I told her MC was an ultimatum now. I still want to reconcile, because I love her.
We had first MC session this monday, and I had a solo session with the therapist yesterday. It helps talking about it. She feels very remorseful and shameful. It's just so fucking hard. Even now, she's a work. They work in the same team, and have lots of assignments together.
The hardest part for me, is not knowing anything for certain. I know she says she wants to reconcile and that she cut all contact with him apart from strictly professionel stuff. I want her to care more about me and reconciling, and doing everything in order to make this work, than care about her own shame which I feel is what's inhibiting her mostly. She more or less confirmed yesterday that she's still in love with him, unsurprisingly as it's less than 2 weeks ago.
We have a new MC session tomorrow, but I'm so scared she's still texting with him, or just walking 1 minute with him to his appartment during work hours. I cry all the time and feel like I'm only reminding her that he didn't cry and make her feel bad. He did the exact opposite. Make her feel good, have good sex and none of the problems at home. She says this isn't the case, but I find it hard to really believe.
submitted by throwaway23august20 to AsOneAfterInfidelity [link] [comments]


2020.09.03 09:16 wearekinetic Social media and bosses

I wish this were some sort of shit post, but unfortunately this is my current reality.
I started a new job during the middle of the pandemic and have been working remotely, save for one day in the office where a partner handed me my laptop. I’ve video chatted with another partner and tax director, but save for these interactions, I’ve had little face contact.
Like most people in their twenties, I use social media. I am conventionally attractive with a few thousand Instagram followers, but also have a more discrete Twitter account with maybe 40 followers that is not attached to my full name and only linked to a personal gmail that I do not use for work. I noticed two weeks ago that the name of a director I have worked with on a few engagements (but never met, video conferenced, or even spoken to on the phone) has followed me. I clicked and sure enough, there are references to tax and accounting on his timeline. Looking at his profile he only follows 3 people: Tiger Woods, Phil Michelsen and MYSELF. Instantly rubbed the wrong way and very full of anxiety because:
  1. How did he find my Twitter with less than 40 followers?
  2. Why is he following me? To find material to get me fired or because he is just being creepy?
At the advice of some friends, I privated my Twitter, immediately stopped posting and planned to block and unblock him after a few weeks to remove him.
Friday night, around 11 pm I received a request to follow on Instagram. I had been drinking and just accepted it, realizing within seconds that it was AGAIN the tax director. I panicked and immediately blocked his account. I check Twitter in the morning to see he had liked a photo of me in a bikini and then unfollowed me.
Monday, he assigned me some work and I assumed the worst was over. Tonight I see he has requested to follow my Twitter again. I don’t have anything illegal or particularly bad on my social media, but would prefer to not have my workplace see pictures of me in bikinis or at bars with my friends (as most 20 year olds do). I am having horrific anxiety over this. I am scared I am going to lose my job.
My new firm is rather small without a specific HR department. I don’t know what do or who to talk to or if it’s worth it bring up to anyone. This has never happened to me before. Do I have any sort of right to privacy online (save mentioning my firm or clients or doing illegal things which I would never do online?)? Do you think he’s being creepy or should I be concerned about my job? Am I overreacting? Would you guys feel comfortable with in-charges on your social media?
Any advice is appreciated it.
submitted by wearekinetic to Accounting [link] [comments]


2020.09.02 21:14 AutoNewspaperAdmin [Entertainment] - Padma Lakshmi celebrates 50th birthday in a bikini with partner Adam Dell NY Post

[Entertainment] - Padma Lakshmi celebrates 50th birthday in a bikini with partner Adam Dell NY Post submitted by AutoNewspaperAdmin to AutoNewspaper [link] [comments]


2020.09.02 20:39 AutoNewsAdmin [Entertainment] - Padma Lakshmi celebrates 50th birthday in a bikini with partner Adam Dell

[Entertainment] - Padma Lakshmi celebrates 50th birthday in a bikini with partner Adam Dell submitted by AutoNewsAdmin to NYPOSTauto [link] [comments]


2020.09.02 02:55 Book_lover_5 "Yes, Men See Women as Sex Objects" and No, the Straights Aren't Okay

"Yes, Men See Women as Sex Objects", an article from National Review, a conservative magazine
Some highlights from the eight "truths":
"One of the proofs that 'higher' education makes people more foolish, more naïve, and often even more ignorant...than those who never attended college is the widespread belief...that when men sexually objectify women, it means that they are misogynists, haters of women."
"1. It is completely normal for heterosexual men to see women to whom they are sexually attracted as sex objects."
"3. One reason for this is the almost unique power of the visual to sexually arouse men. Men are aroused just by glancing at a female arm, ankle, calf, thigh, stomach...[which] are sexual objects. That’s why there are innumerable websites featuring them. There is nothing analogous for women. Of course, a woman can be aroused seeing a particularly handsome and masculine man. But there are no websites for women to stare at men’s legs or other male body parts."
"5. Most heterosexual women also see sexy women as sex objects — and they are hardly misogynists. Ask your wife or girlfriend which would turn her on more: watching a male strip show in front of a female audience or a female strip show in front of a male audience."
"6. Lucky is the couple in which the man can sexually objectify his partner. The longer a husband can at least occasionally regard his wife as a sex object, the better their marriage. It is not always easy to perceive the woman you see every day, the mother of your children, as a sexual object."
"7. The whole purpose of lingerie and other sexual attire is to render the woman a sex object in her partner’s eyes. Are all the women who wear lingerie, bikinis, cheerleader outfits, or whatever else turns their partner on — and hopefully them as well, one might add — haters of women?"
"It is also reality, not an expression of misogyny, that men see the objects of their sexual desire as . . . sexual objects. But this is too painful for feminists and other leftists."
submitted by Book_lover_5 to AreTheStraightsOK [link] [comments]


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